*blows the dust off this journal*
*waves away the airborne particles*
*coughs*
Excuse me.

Well, what has happened since my last update? How long ago was that? It seems like ages. LJ has been one of the things I've neglected lately.
June 11... Hmm...
I went to North Carolina for the UMVIM Connect rally, where I ran the slide decks for the plenary sessions and presented a workshop during one of the breakout times (the topic was: proper slide deck design). That went well, and it was very nice weather up there.
The next week, I went to Destin for a couple of days with my mom.
Since then, I guess I've been working mostly on driving around to visit the more than 50 churches in my town. So far, I think I've made contact at about 15 of them. But I've made a call list and prepared a call log so that I can call the rest.
Oh, and I've been working on that couch I've mentioned to some of you. Here's a picture:
( Cut because it moves )
So, I've been doing some software development lately. I had two programs that I needed that I couldn't find anywhere, so I ended up having to write my own applications. I don't want to get into Web development, but I wrote them both as CGI programs. I like CGI. I can write the programs like console programs, yet have a GUI interface through the HTML. I have a hard time wrapping my head around GUI programming, because it's all based on events, and I like to set things up in hierarchical menu structures, like the programs we used to use before we knew of such things as windows, icons, menus, and pointers. One of my favorite games in the BBS era was TradeWars2002. It had that kind of text-menu interface: Sector #486 (#) warp to sector, (p)ort (?) Help [20 turns remaining]: or something like that.
Life was simpler in computer programs back then. :)
Anyway, the status of my goals:
WIFE: I haven't found any likely prospects. I'm trying to get out more among people and make some new friends, to expand the number of people who know me and might possibly know someone who could be her.
CAREER: No bites yet. Just nibbles. I've posted a total of two church Web sites, along with my own business page, and one of those two wants to hire me to update the page. The information won't likely change often, so that won't bring a lot of money in, but it'd be something. I'm going to talk to the pastor this week about the page and see whether she hires me or not. I figure most churches I've given my card to will have to have a board/council meeting before they invite me to talk to them about possibly doing their sites, if they want Web work done, so I'm trying to be patient. I need to find more ways to get my name out there.
NOVEL: Still waiting for someone to return a proofread copy so I can post it on LuLu or Wowio.
DEGREE: Completed. Expensive piece of paper.

I'm feeling pretty good. I need to sleep more than I am.
My lips are clear.

Here's a secret: FVYLGFHDSNDROABEVDHEFGRDQPMH.
(Not really a secret)

Here is the status of my major goals:

WIFE - I'm not sure how things are going here. My friend Ruth introduced me to a young lady with whom I've been messaging back and forth. I'm thinking about going to a singles event tomorrow night. I know a fair number of people, but I don't know anyone who really stands out as definite potential rather than unknown possibility.

DEGREE - I'm done with all my assignments. I walk the stage on Saturday. Assuming all is well, I am done with my degree.

CAREER - I launched my church's Web site this morning. Yesterday, I got my occupational license for this year, and tonight, I'm going to try to get the LLC paperwork squared away. I've made a list of people I need to contact to propose doing their Web sites. I have put together a tentative business plan. I need to put together some more samples and presentations so that I will be prepared to discuss the possibilities with pastors and other church contacts. I need to get contracts put together and find out about sales tax and the like. There are many, many hoops to jump through. I went to the bank today and got information about a business checking account I think I'll use. So, there is much to do. I'm going to spend a few weeks trying to drum up business, and then I'll decide whether I need to take a part-time job to pay the student loan payments until the business takes off. But this is what I've decided to do, and God told me I should decide what to do and He'd help me. If this is His will, He'll open the doors for me. If not, He'll shut the doors and open others. I plan to do Web design for a while and then start branching out into other areas of stewardship consulting. God will take care of all my needs.

NOVEL - I have made no progress on this. I am still waiting for my proofers to finish reading through the PDF versions I sent them. If you are one of the recipients of this file, please get done with it as soon as possible. I am counting on you! :)

I covet your prayers. Thank you. God bless you all.

As I have these goals, I thought it prudent to look at what has happened in each of these areas.

WIFE - I have been too busy to do much on this front. My Sunday School teacher suggests that I get involved in activities at Blue Lake. I think this is a good idea. It will take some time before I can do anything in practice on this suggestion, but I will keep it filed as something to do. One of my classmates said she would talk to a girl friend of hers to see if she might be interested in meeting me. My mom said a friend of hers has moved into the area and said she will be keeping an eye out for a potential wife for me. It's nice to hear that people will be looking to help me out on this, particularly since I believe I have time to have a girlfriend exploring the potential for marriage, but I don't really have time to be looking myself.
DEGREE - I try not to think too much about this. It's all I can do to keep up with the things I have to do in each next-few-days, but so far, so good.
CAREER - I've secured permission to work on my church's Web site. In fact, I'm going later today to a meeting on that topic. I've made some efforts to talk to other area churches, but I haven't gotten much done on that score because of my tight schedule at school.
NOVEL - No progress. I sent my novel in PDF to some of my friends a little while back. If you are one of them, you can help me immensely by proofing/reading it as quickly as possible. I'm not being impatient, so don't feel I'm trying to hurry you. Just get it done as you are able. Accuracy is more important than speed; just don't dilly-dally. ;)

So, that's the status report.

Worrying is worthless.
I spent the whole year worrying, and nothing I worried about happened. It's not even as though there were things I worried about and because of the forethought was able to prevent. The things I worried about didn't happen. And God took care of me. I'm sure there are many things I'm not even aware of that could have happened that God prevented.
But going back to the things I worried about that didn't happen, I can say this. All the worrying has done in this year is rob me of joy and sleep and make me feel older.
I should not worry. Jesus said, "Take therefore no thought for tomorrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." Therefore, that is, since God watches over the grass of the field and the birds of the air, and since we are worth much more than these things, Jesus is saying, don't borrow troubles from tomorrow. You'll have to cross the bridge when you come to it, and there's enough bad stuff in today for today. The bad thing about borrowing trouble from tomorrow is that tomorrow will forget you borrowed from it and pay you what the day demands even though you got an advance, so by worrying ahead of time, we must face our worries again if they do come to pass. And if they don't come to pass, we've worked ourselves into a tizzie for nothing at all.
Don't worry. God loves you, and God takes care of his children.

I was extra tired last night, so I did what I sometimes do when extra tired. I didn't read on where I was but flipped over to the psalms or the proverbs. Last night, it was proverbs. In Chapter 13, I ran into a very familiar verse: "Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life." (v12)
Now, I'd always thought of this verse, when I tried to apply it to my life, in relation to my future wife. But I was thinking last night that it could relate to my writing.
Certainly, my heart has been sick, for fear looms up on me, especially death without having done much for the Kingdom. I had been thinking of hope deferred in the search for my wife, but what of my writing? Has not that been deferred? Have I not delayed in bringing its publication to pass? And is not that a means of furthering the Kingdom? Is this delayed hope the cause of my heart-sickness?
I do not know, but I think it right I should focus my energies on these four goals now and forward; 1, to publish my first novel, 2, to help churches put forward a sincere, professional, and elegant face, 3, to get out among people to increase my exposure to potential mates, and 4, to finish my degree. But above all, to follow God's will. For I am chasing a tree of life.
Verse 19 says desire accomplished is sweet to the soul. I would taste that sweetness continually in seeking God's will and blessing others. Let it be so, O Lord. Let it be so.

Do you think I'm a strong man? Do you think I have all my ducks in a row? Do you think I am a spiritual giant?
I hope none of you think I am any of those things, because I'm not.
I'm a scared and frightened little child. I'm insecure and uncertain of myself and my future. I'm not strong or secure, and I'm tired of pretending. It's stupid to pretend, because my strength doesn't matter. It's God's strength that will carry me through whatever I face in my life.
You might wonder why I would pretend to be strong in the first place, knowing that God's strength is best displayed when I am weak. It's quite simple. I want to be strong for my wife. I want to be attractive to her as a protecter and provider. But that's silly; the woman I want to marry will be more impressed that I rely fully on God for my strength and my ability to protect her and provide for her and our children than she would be by my strength were it a hundred times the average man's.
So I should not pretend that I am a paragon of strength or that I can provide for anything in my limited energy. All people are dependent on God's loving providence to deliver into their hands the means to feed and clothe themselves honorably. Some people cheat to acquire their livelihood, but they are definitely not relying on God for their provision, and those who willfully sin to get their bread and clothing and more than they need cannot reasonably expect God's protection from calamity.
But I digress.
I am not strong. I am weak. I am a frightened little child lost in a wood. I am nothing and know nothing. If there be any good thing in me, it is what God has given me, and it is not of myself.

Someone was on the radio the other day talking about how she settled for her mate instead of chasing a fairy-tale marriage, and she went on and on about how that was okay.
But I got to thinking about my own search for a lifelong mate, and I wondered if my expectations are too high.
I do ask a lot, but as I thought about the things I'm seeking in my wife and the reasons I'm seeking those attributes, I realized that my expectations are not that high.( Read more... )
I have high standards for a wife because marriage is not for the faint of heart.

Someone asked about my list a few days ago, and I mentioned my journal, so I started thinking about the list.
I decided to go through it and offer a little bit of explanation about why I think each item is important. I know there are people who think a list of criteria is a bad idea, but I think going into marriage without a detailed idea of the kinds of things that are likely to make a relationships either stronger or rockier is a worse idea.
Every item on my list (other than physical attributes) has some basis in either avoiding unnecessary conflicts or providing points of support to my future marriage.
I also believe that a list is a good thing because it allows you to recognize a good thing when you see it.
My word of caution is that I don't require all of these attributes in my future wife. Only the ones at the top of the list are hard-and-fast rules. Also, my judgment of someone's matching of many of these items might be different from that of someone who thinks she probably doesn't fit a particular criterion.
Here, then, is my list explained.
( cut for length )
[Edit: I didn't realize how long this post was. I put most of it behind a cut for the convenience of people who have me on their friends pages.]

My mom and I went tonight to see the Taming of the Shrew. It was pretty good. The director costumed the players in modern clothing, for the most part, and had the good sense to leave Shakespeare's lines in their original form. We laughed a lot, both at the Shakespearean jokes and at the modern sight gags. All in all, it was a fun time.
Some people hissed at Kate when she delivered her final soliloquy, which I felt was in very bad taste.

I've seen recently a few of the Disney dubs of the works of Hayao Miyazaki. They have been skillfully realized films, dubbed with great care to their accuracy and synchronization, that have been worth seeing a second and third time. If any of you are fans (or become fans) of Studio Ghibli's works, I'd enjoy discussing them with you.

Frustration has been present in many of my recent days. My desires ebb and flow, turning up now and then on different days most strongly, but all of them, both great and small, seem postponed with no estimated time of arrival. And most frustrating is that this is true of both my heart desires (finding my wife, having steady work to provide for her and buy a house, and getting married) and of the minor whims of the passing of the day (having money to buy this or that amusement), as well as the desires in between (having money to support worthwhile artists by buying their works). I feel pulled in a thousand different directions with no clear idea of how to accomplish any of my desires because of the choices I have made as far as getting my next degree. I feel both pulled to things beyond my reach and anchored to things beyond my control other than drastic choices not easily undone. And I am tired, weary from lack of discipline to sleep at reasonable hours and exercise as much as I should. And I've been having trouble getting myself motivated to do the things I need to do.

I am making good progress with the exercise, though. I have a treadmill now, and I can exercise while I do my class reading. Since March 9th, when I took the Everything Test and discovered that I weighed 198 pounds (and decided that was probably not healthy), I've made good progress. Without making many changes at all (mostly just curbing the between-meal snacking), I've lost about 6 pounds. I plan to simply stick to this method, no particular emphasis other than eating a regular breakfast and a light meal and a big meal, taking seconds only when I am actually still hungry, and trying to get a little bit of extra activity, and lose weight until my body reaches its optimal weight. I'm not setting an arbitrary goal, because I'm not dieting. But I might continue to keep track of where I am, thought I might not, because I can't think of any reason you all would care about such things. I mean, I care when my friends are trying to reach a goal because it's important to them, but wouldn't care if they didn't care.

Tomorrow is a new day. I no longer feel hideous, my lip having cleared up almost completely. I expect this episode is over.

The semester is reaching that point where the assignments begin to really come hot on the heels of each other. I want to get them done quickly, but they take particular steps to complete that cannot be done as quickly as I would like. I'm going to finish this degree, but I'm not sure whether I'm well-suited for reporting.

Pray for me, for guidance and discipline... and that I find my wife soon for her friendship with me to grow strong.

  It's stinking cold in my dorm room. The past several nights, I've felt worse and worse as the night goes on, and I think it's because of the cold. It's not that cold outside, but the A/C unit in our room blows cold air all night. Tonight, I put on my bathrobe, and I don't feel as bad as I've been feeling, but my hands still get cold, and I realized that my hands, at least, and the shivering, remind me a lot of my time in Poland in the winter. I know I should go to bed earlier, but I feel in the late evening that I'm just getting started on the important things I'll get done during the day.
  I mentioned already that my current website design is ending. I started work on my new design last night. This time, I remembered first thing to archive a copy of the old design. Then I set about designing the layout. It's four boxes under the site name graphic that lead to four areas: The Page - My writing, The Hand - About me and my thoughts, The Muse - Influences on my work, and Poland - My time in Poland. I'm concerned that the labels are a bit trite and corny, but I'll go with them for now, unless I hear from many people that the idea is bad.
  I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing how something is or should be. I think that's why I feel the need to constantly check the waters, why the counsel of those around me holds so much importance for me. Sometimes, I think I'd rather things turn out quickly the way I don't want them to go than for uncertainty to drag on. Uncertainty is when I do lots of overthinking, I think...and that applies to so many things: worrying when someone doesn't come at the expected hour, the status of friendships, feeling ill and throwing up or not, test scores and semester grades, and romantic relationships, et cetera.
  I have not been comepletely forthright with some of you who've spoken to me recently, because I have been in a state of flux regarding something.
  After I got back to Jacksonville, I asked Ruth what I had asked her before we met: What do you think about our relationship, and where do you see it leading? At that time, we discussed some issues we had noticed during our visit. As well as the two of us match, as amazed as i am at how well we match, there are some significant differences between us in the way we approach things and our relative levels of independence. We decided to give some time to thinking and praying about these concerns to decide whether they were red flags or simply areas that we needed to work on reaching a compromise. For this reason, I felt that I ought not reveal this state of flux to other people.
  I am confident that God has someone better suited than me for Ruth, and that He has someone very well-suited for me. It is possible that God's will is, indeed, for Ruth and me to marry, and if so, I'm sure He will let us know. Otherwise, we will try to patiently await our respective spouses. I am thankful for the many nights of wonderful conversation we had. My semester was greatly brightened by our nightly chats. I think that the speed with which we got to know each other, the maturity with which we handled things, and the due caution with which we treated things (she more than I, hehe) made our recognition of the status of our relationship faster and lessened the pain of our decision to take a step back.
  I am sad that it did not go differently, and I have some pain, but I am glad to have things settled, and I am happy to know Ruth; I know she will be a magnificent wife for someone, whether that someone is me or not. God bless you, Ruth. May He make you and your husband exceedingly happy.
  An entry bears this similarity to a romantic relationship: they are both difficult to end gracefully.
  Speaking of tests and grades, please pray for me. The semester ends soon. I have three major assignments due this week. I wish this week were over and its pains forgotten. God bless you all! Good night.

Remember this? The bolded statements are true of Ruth. The red statements were wrong. The italicized statements I believe are true but haven't yet verified. The regular text is items I don't yet know.

She is a Christian. She respects me. She has flexibility in dealing with people and events. She is free from addictions. She is 100% non-smoker. She is committed to a life-long marriage. She is interested in having children. She believes in a Biblical discipline style. She has a strong spiritual relationship with Jesus the Christ. Her character is strong; she lives by what she believes, to the best of her ability. She has integrity. She is honest. She has authenticity. She agrees with the Biblical model of roles in marriage in all facets. She has the ability to work through conflict. She is gentle in spirit. She is firm in resolve. She is reasonably [edit: very] intelligent. She is opposed to abortion. She is opposed to pornography. She is a suitable helper for my life's work, as Eve was a help meet for Adam. She is easy-going. She is able to communicate her thoughts and feelings to others. She is confident enough to be vulnerable with me. She is a good listener. We have fun together. She is Conservative in her political philosophy.
She doesn't dress in revealing clothes outside of the home, and she most likely doesn't desire to. She doesn't have anything other than her ears pierced. She is conversational, but not overly talkative. She is balanced between being funny and being serious, but she leans toward funny. She is tactful but straightforward. She expects physical affection from her husband. She has a healthy level of ambition for herself and for her husband. She is creative. She has good manners. She is comfortable when the temperature of the house is near or below 74°F. She is intuitive. She knows what she wants, and I fit her criteria. She doesn't view multi-tasking while waiting as impatience. She is probably more of a thinker than a feeler. She is most likely within 7 years of my age.
She is very likely to be physically affectionate. She probably enjoys Chess. She probably has an interest in philosophical questions. She is very likely to have medium-length hair. Her hair is probably dark brown, light brown, or red, or maybe strawberry blonde, or blonde, but probably not black. Her hair is probably wavy or straight, rather than curly. She probably has good family relationships. She probably has a cute, button or small nose. She probably has a thin, angular face with a classic or refined look. She probably wears glasses and has the sophisticated and smart look that goes with them. She probably has a pattern of wholesome friendships. She probably has a pattern of long-term friendships. She probably knows what's in the comments of my web pages.

I think the parts that don't match aren't very important. What do you think?

Remember this? The bolded statements are true of Ruth. The italicized parts are statements I changed. The red statements were wrong. The regular text is items I don't yet know.

She is a Christian. She respects me. I believe she has flexibility in dealing with people and events. She is free from addictions. She is 100% non-smoker. She is committed to a life-long marriage. She is interested in having children. She believes in a Biblical discipline style. She has a strong spiritual relationship with Jesus the Christ. Her character is strong; she lives by what she believes, to the best of her ability.
She has integrity. She is honest. She has authenticity. She agrees with the Biblical model of roles in marriagein all facets. I believe she has the ability to work through conflict. She is gentle in spirit. I believe she is firm in resolve. She is very intelligent. She is opposed to abortion. She is opposed to pornography. While it remains to be fully seen, I believe she is a suitable helper for my life's work, as Eve was a help meet for Adam. She is easy-going. She is able to communicate her thoughts and feelings to others. She is confident enough to be vulnerable with me. She is a good listener. We have fun together online; looking forward to offline, which I think will be the same. She is Conservative in her political philosophy. She doesn't dress in revealing clothes outside of the home, and she doesn't desire to. She doesn't have anything other than her ears pierced. She is conversational, but not overly talkative. She is balanced between bein funny and being serious, but she leans toward funny. She is tactful but straightforward. She expects physical affection from her husband. She has a healthy level of ambition for herself and for her husband. She is creative.
She has good manners. She is comfortable when the temperature of the house is near or below 74°F. She is intuitive. She knows what she wants, and I fit her criteria. She doesn't view multi-tasking while waiting as impatience. She is more of a thinker than a feeler. She is within 7 years of my age. She is physically affectionate. She doesn't yet know how to play, but she will probably enjoy Chess. She has an interest in philosophical questions. She has long hair. Her hair is dark brown, light brown, or red, or maybe strawberry blonde, or blonde, but probably not black. Her hair is straight. She has good family relationships. She has a cute, small nose. She has a heart-shaped face with a classic or refined look.
She wears glasses and I believe she has the sophisticated and smart look that goes with them. She probably has a pattern of wholesome friendships. She probably has a pattern of long-term friendships. She does not know HTML.
We have a strong chemistry between us, but that isn't crucial.

I was right about the intensity of this semester.
In the end, I think what happened is mostly my fault. I didn't manage my time wisely. I got a bit behind on my assignments for my hardest class. Because of this, when I was wiped out for a whole week by a sinus infection, I had no way to catch up.

I have dropped my Advanced Reporting class. I'll take a step back and try again in the spring, when my expectations will be more accurate, the weather will be cooler, and I will have a fresh start.

My lips are all healed up, as far as I can tell.

I've been relaxing a lot this weekend with various preoccupations, but I think it is time to get myself into gear and make sure I don't lose track of the assignments in my other classes. I needed to release some stress, but I think I need to buckle down now.

God is faithful. I think he has introduced me to my future wife. I'll write another entry about that soon. But I'll mention now that God spoke through someone I know and said, a couple of years ago: Be picky, and be patient, God will give you your heart's desire.

May God richly bless you.

I'm ripping up the carpet in my office.
No, I'm not on the outs with my boss. This is in my home office. I bought a plastic mat for my rolling chair a couple of years ago. Recently, it go so cracked that I pulled it up. Underneath, it was stinky. I think mildew, or at least some sort of mold, was growing in the trapped moisture underneath.
I'm not sure how much effect that had during my recent unpleasantness, but it can't be helping, so I'm ripping up the carpet. I started yesterday with the section under the mat, but I'm going to try to clear some more of it on Saturday. I bought a mask today so I won't have so much trouble from the dust.
I'm going to lay down some vinyl tiles and get another plastic mat. Since it won't be on carpet, it shouldn't cause that problem again.

Things are going well at work. I'm working more and more on the website. It's coming together nicely. I enjoy working where I am working, but I'm also ready to head back to college. Wish I could say the same for my bank account.

Speaking of college, my textbooks arrived. I had them shipped to my house so I could look them over and hopefully get a head start on all the reading for my classes. Now, we'll see how disciplined I can be and actually do that.
I seem to be registered for everything that I need to take this semester. Pray for me, that my classes line up properly and that I have discipline and focus for my classes.

I'm still looking for local friends. I'd like to make a couple of local friends who know some ASL. I need the practice. I've done hardly any signing since I left Jacksonville. I sign some to my mom, but she doesn't know very many signs.
I'm also still looking for my wife. If you see her, tell her where I am and that I'd like to meet her. And tell me where to find her. ;)

God bless you all. Have a great weekend.

I know you're out there. God's been preparingyour heart and your life to be a good match for mine. You're out there somewhere. With God's help, I'm going to find you. I'll cross rivers, I'll climb mountains, I'll travel as far as it takes. I'm going to find you and try to find some way to tell you how much I already love you, and I'm going to discover how much I can love you when I know every detail of your life, your thoughts, your hands, and your face. I'm looking for you, and I haven't stopped. I'm going to find you. Wait patiently for me, but when you see me, wave.

Please keep my mother in your prayers. She's on a mission trip to Poland.
Please keep me in your prayers. I'm not on a mission trip to Poland.
If you would like, please check out the new entry at okaloosa. I need help proofing this book as I continue to work on it.
God bless you. Have a wonderful day.
I'm trying to be on IM more these days, so say hi, if you desire.

I'm a little down about not having a job this summer, but I have things I should try to do, since I'm available, like cleaning and writing.
Still don't have a working schedule for the fall. Appreciate your prayers for that.
Still looking for my lifelong mate. I want to be her friend now so we'll have a strong friendship when we marry, which I would also like to be soon.
I should go to bed now, but I'm still awake.

Here are a few thoughts about my ideal wife. Not all of these are requirements, as the wording of my statements indicates. The earlier a statement appears, the more important it is. I have inserted paragraph breaks as the sections move from necessary to important to unimportant. A woman doesn't have to meet many of these to be my friend, and my future wife may not match more than the first paragraph perfectly. These are not all set in stone, and my judgement of a persons matching to this may be different than another person's. I would hate to lose the opportunity of a friend because something didn't seem to match, when it might have matched in my eyes. But I am going to risk this, because it is important for a person to know what he is trying to find.
This, then, is the single woman I want to find:

She is a Christian. She respects me. She has flexibility in dealing with people and events. She is free from addictions. She is 100% non-smoker. She is committed to a life-long marriage. She is interested in having children. She believes in a Biblical discipline style. She has a strong spiritual relationship with Jesus the Christ. Her character is strong; she lives by what she believes, to the best of her ability. She has integrity. She is honest. She has authenticity. She agrees with the Biblical model of roles in marriagein all facets. She has the ability to work through conflict. She is gentle in spirit. She is firm in resolve. She is reasonably intelligent. She is opposed to abortion. She is opposed to pornography. She is a suitable helper for my life's work, as Eve was a help meet for Adam. She is easy-going. She is able to communicate her thoughts and feelings to others. She is confident enough to be vulnerable with me. She is a good listener. We have fun together She is Conservative in her political philosophy.
She doesn't dress in revealing clothes outside of the home, and she most likely doesn't desire to. She doesn't have anything other than her ears pierced. She is conversational, but not overly talkative. She is balanced between bein funny and being serious, but she leans toward funny. She is tactful but straightforward. She expects physical affection from her husband. She has a healthy level of ambition for herself and for her husband. She is creative. She has good manners. She is comfortable when the temperature of the house is near or below 74°F. She is intuitive. She knows what she wants, and I fit her criteria. She doesn't view multi-tasking while waiting as impatience. She is probably more of a thinker than a feeler. She is most likely within 7 years of my age.
She is very likely to be physically affectionate. She probably enjoys Chess. She probably has an interest in philosophical questions. She is very likely to have medium-length hair. Her hair is probably dark brown, light brown, or red, or maybe strawberry blonde, or blonde, but probably not black. Her hair is probably wavy or straight, rather than curly. She probably has good family relationships. She probably has a cute, button or small nose. She probably has a thin, angular face with a classic or refined look. She probably wears glasses and has the sophisticated and smart look that goes with them. She probably has a pattern of wholesome friendships. She probably has a pattern of long-term friendships. She probably knows what's in the comments of my web pages. ;)

There is often a bittersweet sense that accompanies accomplishments. Very often, our success in a thing comes at a price. We become skilled at one thing by devoting time to it in place of other things that could have occupied those hours.
I wonder if that is what is happening to me now.
I sometimes pride myself on being unobtrusive. I was pleased by the fact that someone gave me the nickname of silk for my ability to walk up behind people without their noticing until I was beside them. There's something about the ability to move unseen that appeals to me. Perhaps it is my affinity for watching people that makes me happy to observe without being noticed.
But is that unobtrusiveness hurting me?
I have noticed lately that very few females around here seem to give me a second glance. Those who do take notice of me are generally those who are in relationships and see me as someone with whom to talk on light subjects of little consequence. I notice women, but they don't seem to notice me. Is it possible that no one seems to take a romantic interest in me for the simple reason that the women around me are unaware of my presence as an entity to be given any more attention than a baluster on the staircase?
And what about my identity as a writer?
Certainly, a writer can reach more people the more awareness there is of his or her writing. If I knew that there were a large population of people aware of my writing, I would be prepared to make the investments needed to make my writings available to readers. I hope soon to do this, anyway... at least in the form of CD-ROM versions of my books. I have not yet done so because of the dry place I have been for so long in the matter of outside interest in my writing, as well as other things that consume my time.
It's funny. I keep coming back to this insatiable desire to know if anyone sees me. When I think no one is watching, I am more comfortable watching others, but I am less likely to put effort into displaying messages. Perhaps that is not as it should be. Perhaps I need to display messages at all times and let people see what they see without caring who is or is not watching. This is a hard thing: In a place where many people will readily argue against any message at all, regardless of its content or its alignment with what they truly believe, in spite of their own claims to belive nothing. Opposition to a specific idea is worthy of my respect, but opposition to any and all ideas is baffling to me.
But this has little to do with seeing or being seen.
I wonder whether I am being seen. I wonder if anyone should see me right now. I wonder if I should be more obtrusive, and if so, how? Or should I simply observe and build my stores of knowledge in anticipation of a time when people will see me? In truth, there are only two about whom I care that they see me: God and my future wife. To everyone else, I only wish to be seen for the purpose of pointing them toward God.
I know God sees me.
But where is my wife?

I hate February 14th.

It isn't just that the day is a commercial venture more than a celebration of love. It isn't just that the day has, by its activities, become a day that replaces the freedom and thoughtfulness of a healthy relationship with the selfishness that engulfs the celebration of Christ's birth, such that it isn't about people doing something special for each other but is rather about people having to do something good enough to be considered properly celebrating the holiday. It isn't even that I will not be spending the day with anyone special to me.
It's that my future wife might not be spending the day with anyone special to her. It's that the day reminds me of all the women out there who will not be receiving anything thoughtful from anyone who loves them, that I have love in excess to give, and that one of those women could be receiving something thoughtful from me, not just on February 14th but throughout the year, on days when she doesn't expect it, on days when the something special is a note reminding her how much I love her, on days when that note lifts her spirits and makes a crappy day into a good day, on days when my gift is about my love for her and not about the Xs on the calendar.
I wish I knew whom she is. If I did, I would try, in my weak words, to tell her how much I love her. And for all of those women who are not in a relationship characterized by love, respect, and tokens of affection given by the heart and not by the date, I pray that this year finds them in the protecting arms of a Godly man who will show them the same kind of love I hope I am constant to give to my future wife. God created us for relationships, and the relationships of love are the strong bonds that help us help each other through all the storms of life.
I'm feeling great today, but I'm sad for those women who want to be loved by a good man and aren't. I'm not lonely today, but I still hate February 14th.

Well, it's been a long time since I updated, and I guess a lot has happened.
The end-of-semester LAN party was a lot of fun. I spent a lot of it watching movies and playing a new game I got as an early Christmas present.
I've been communicating with a number of women on eHarmony. I still don't know if any of them will turn out to be my wife.
Mom and I spent a quiet Christmas at home after church. I called a couple of friends to wish them a merry Christmas. If I didn't call you, don't feel bad. I forgot to call some very important people, and you may be one of them. At any rate, I want to say that I hope you did have a merry Christmas day, and I want you to receive all the blessings possible in the coming year. :)
I haven't read any LJs in a long time, and I know I probably should, but I haven't. Suffice it to say that I wish you the best, and I hope things are going well for you now. My friends, I love you.

Explanations: I've been spending a lot of time offline. Here's what's been happening: My April First post was not a joke. It's okay to comment on it. ;)
    I went to Jacksonville to talk to the people in financial aid.. I was somewhat disappointed by the trip, because I thought they would help me find scholarships, but they only do grant monies. On the plus side, the lady with whom I spoke said she thought I'd be receiving enough to cover all but four to eight thousand dollars of my cost of attending (including books, tuition, food, dorm fees, gas, etc.). However, that $4000 has to come from somewhere else, and I'm on my own for finding it. This is in addition to the $1000 or so that Uncle Sam says I ought to be contributing, based on my net worth (which is probably negative, or close to it).
    My church is doing 40 Days of Purpose. I am on the technology committee for the program, so the last two days (Friday and Saturday) have been extremely hectic for me, because we had the kickoff on Saturday. Very long days, but I'm not complaining. Anyway, I'll be taking photographs over the next six weeks, and by the end of the celebration (the final event), I and the rest of the technology committee will probably be certifiable. Well, I'm just happy I can be helpful... but other than that, I intend to spend the next forty days resting... unless...
    ...I get a job. I have two interviews lined up in the first part of this week. I may be working soon at a large national store or at some other location in Crestview or Fort Walton. I'll tell you one thing: I'd rather the latter, but I'll take what I can get. I need to raise some cash, because I may have to provide my own "scholarship". Also, I'd like to put some more money into savings, since I've almost depleted my funds getting this far in the college admissions process.
    At the campus, I learned that nobody could tell me anything yet. Also, I learned that there's no paper course catalog. This troubles me, because treeware catalogs and other course information books are usually much, much easier to navigate than online versions. I hate dealing with computerized course information and registration. Those are the times when I hate computers and want to strangle the people who wrote the programs. Computers are great tools that can be used for great good, but they are also tools of horrific mischief, usually when they are used by businesses to replace human customer service representatives. But that's a rant for another time. Anyway, as I was saying, no information was available. Room assignments, online accounts, advisors, etc., haven't been assigned, opened, chosen, etc.. So, I have to wait until mid-summer to make those plans and find out if I'm going to be in the type of dorm room I want. I'm hoping.
    I can't wait until I find the woman I'll marry. I can wait a little longer to marry her, but I'd be very happy if I knew who she is.
    Did some cleaning and rearranging in the front room. While we were visitng my aunt, she gave us some video drawers, a cabinet, and a plethora of video cassettes, so we've been watching those. My mom found a new video game addiction while there: Bejeweled. I must admit, it's a superior time-waster. I spent an hour watching her play (one game!!!) and telling her where she should move (which is why she lasted an hour).
    If you want to be on my reading list, please leave a comment saying so. Don't worry, those of you who are close friends (including anyone I've met), I'm not planning to remove you.
    I'm going to go play a quick game (not the abovementioned) and go to bed. C, J, J, T, L, S, & H: I love you!