http://skreyola.livejournal.com/268380.html

I covet your responses to this entry from way back when.
Trust me, I'm not poking anyone or feeling ill toward anyone about this. I totally understand how life can grab you by the collar and whisk away a whole semester. You may have noticed I'm not around LJ much, these days. So I'm not mad at anyone, even if you gave me a time and missed it. I feel you have done me no wrong. Life is like this.
But I'm still eager to learn the answers to my questions, so if any of you reading this have time now, or in the future, please take a look at the earlier entry and leave me a comment.
In short, it basically says this:

• Right or wrong, I wonder if there is material value to some (certainly not all) of the entries I've written in my LJ over the past six years.


• Writing is work, and it's fair to be paid for work, and someone might benefit from something I've written.


• I have the means to produce writing on a fairly consistent basis, provided the motivation to do so (someone cares that I write entries rather than not write entries).


• I am considering a collection of my best writings.


• I don't know what are the best ones, so please tell me. I don't know if this idea is totally off-base, so if you think it's stupid/conceited/pointless, tell me that.

By the by, does anyone have a suggestion for the best means of publishing something like this?

I started this back in December, I think. And it's finally finished. It seemed to take a very long time.

Teh hat
Another angle
And closer on the flowers

I think the next hat I make will be sort of a beret-like thing. I think it will be a while before I try another sized item from a pattern. This hat turned out to be a bit larger than it should have been, and consequently, a little misshapen. I'll stick to things where scale doesn't matter for a while, because I have large hands and sprawling stitches. :)

The color in these pictures is pretty bad (I used my new Web cam), so I'll take some actual photographs with my film camera to scan later.
Incidentally, I'm working on a shawl, too. It's going quickly, and I am fairly pleased with it so far. I have a hard time, though, going on with a pattern for a long time. I tend to want to change things up every few rows. Time will tell whether discipline will win out over sponteneity.
Have a great day in the Lord!
[Edit: I decided not to post the film photos of this.]

I suppose I ought to update this with what's been happening to me, for the benefit of my friends and my poor memory.
The semester is all but over. I have to turn in one packet of assignments tomorrow, and I'm free. I'll need to go back on Friday to get my packet back from Thursday night's class.
I'm still way behind on sleep. I'm hoping I will grow a brain in the next week and start going to bed at decent hours.
We got new fire alarms put up in our house. We went to a free dinner and saw a presentation on fire safety, and really, everyone should look into what protection their homes have, because the standard smoke detector is not enough.
I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do when the spring semester is over. In the spring, I'm trying to get an internship lined up, but that may not work out. If it doesn't, I'll do another semester of practicum as a copy editor on the student paper.
Anyway, after spring, I've decided that what I'll do is try to get jobs working for churches or Christian organizations, possibly through my church conference, so I could get paid by them and work for the small churches without charging them... editing copy, building Web sites, teaching churches how to write press releases in a form papers are likely to print, etc.
I found a LUG in the area, and they have an IRC channel, so I've been getting on IRC some (freenode.net). This keeps me up a little later at night, but since most of the people are in the same time zone, not nearly as much as Undernet used to. And I'll be meeting many of them in person at the next LUG meeting. I'm looking forward to that. It'll be nice to sit down with some people who don't get glazed eyes when I start talking about Linux. Sure, the art director at the paper understood it, but it'll be nice to meet multiple people who not only understand Linux but advocate it.
I've been annoyed by things I've heard in the news lately. A lot of people are bashing President Bush about this NIE report and ignoring both the biases of the authors and the intelligence we're now hearing about that refutes its findings. I'm annoyed that I see so much action that is based not on the welfare of our nation but on how people can smear their political opponents, regardless of how much it hurts morale and mission effectiveness, even though the people in question were singing a different tune in the past. It makes me sick, and I'm not going to mention any party names.
On the crochet front, I've finished a major project. Yay! I'll post pictures eventually. I still have 25 exposures left on the roll.
I'm working on a few other things, still. I have a baby blanket I need to finish, a hat I'm working on that I should probably wait until I finish the blanket before I work much more.
I posted some ads for artists, but I haven't gotten any nibbles even. I need to sit down with the pad of paper and just practice drawing until I can do my own artwork, since it looks like I'm not going to have an artist any time soon.
I wish I could think of something else to write. I wish I knew what my friends want to hear more about. I wish I were caught up on sleep. I have a lot of topics I could write about, if I were better rested and more confident.

Do you think I'm a strong man? Do you think I have all my ducks in a row? Do you think I am a spiritual giant?
I hope none of you think I am any of those things, because I'm not.
I'm a scared and frightened little child. I'm insecure and uncertain of myself and my future. I'm not strong or secure, and I'm tired of pretending. It's stupid to pretend, because my strength doesn't matter. It's God's strength that will carry me through whatever I face in my life.
You might wonder why I would pretend to be strong in the first place, knowing that God's strength is best displayed when I am weak. It's quite simple. I want to be strong for my wife. I want to be attractive to her as a protecter and provider. But that's silly; the woman I want to marry will be more impressed that I rely fully on God for my strength and my ability to protect her and provide for her and our children than she would be by my strength were it a hundred times the average man's.
So I should not pretend that I am a paragon of strength or that I can provide for anything in my limited energy. All people are dependent on God's loving providence to deliver into their hands the means to feed and clothe themselves honorably. Some people cheat to acquire their livelihood, but they are definitely not relying on God for their provision, and those who willfully sin to get their bread and clothing and more than they need cannot reasonably expect God's protection from calamity.
But I digress.
I am not strong. I am weak. I am a frightened little child lost in a wood. I am nothing and know nothing. If there be any good thing in me, it is what God has given me, and it is not of myself.

I've been struggling lately with what to do with my life.
I've been adrift on this question, more or less, since I left high school. Except for mission trips and my first two years of college, I guess I've been wondering what I should be doing the rest of that time.
See, my family has no family business. My mother taught elementary school, and my father was a sheriff's deputy. There was no family business for me to follow in. I want to live and work for Jesus in whatever I do, but that does little to make the decision clear, because Christians can serve God in their work in almost any field. I asked God what He wants me to do for a career. I asked my friends to pray for me and tell me what God told them about me. The response I got back more than any other response was that God wants me to pick a path; that He will help me with it.
I have multiple talents. It's sort of nice that I can help people in a variety of ways, but having multiple options for a career is not pleasant. I know that may seem crazy to some people, but it stinks to have so many options you don't know where to start. I'm sort of a jack-of-all-trades. I'm not skilled enough at enough things to be a Rennaissance man.
And I have limitations. Because of certain factors of my life, I am uncomfortable with the prospect of handling food preparation for strangers. Because of my body thermostat, I can't work outside regularly. Because of my lack of depth perception, I can't fly fighter planes and am uncomfortable with driving large vehicles. Because of my sinus problems, I will probably never become a DJ, not that DJs do what they used to.
I'm not complaining I can't do anything. Far from it, these limitations still leave an intimidating number of options on the career buffet. They just represent a few of the things I might have chosen to do.
My best skills, for what it is worth, better or worse, are in thinking about things and then talking about them. Ironically, that seems to be, from the hype in the media and in the classroom, a large part of the new economy. Unfortunately, no one has offered me a job doing it.
And I must have work. I cannot simply do this for a side ministry, because I must eat, and no one has offered to support me as a missionary to... the Internet? I don't think I could accept the offer if it came. And in addition to supporting myself, I still need a fairly stable income to be attractive to a responsible woman.
I have not met my wife yet, but I want her to be confident I can support my family, however many people end up being in it.
I have a pressing, even haunting desire to not waste this time I've been given. And in all of this, I am still, though I have been an adult for over a decade, a small and frightened child, watching and listening to hear what would please my Father.
I want my life to be wholly devoted to God.
Which is my current question. Am I going in the right direction preparing for a stable job in a career as a copy editor? Or am I wrong in that, and should I instead be focusing all my efforts on completeing more novels, on getting them published, and on getting people to buy them and read them?
Nothing is clear to me between these two. And the nagging question comes whether the choice should even be between these, or if I should be doing something else. It is a terrible burden to have an important choice under your umbrella of responsibility.
Who am I? And what should I be doing with this life I have?

This journal is now over six years old. It started on Sept. 2, 2001.
  Over the past several months, I've been thinking about the value of my journal. What I mean by that is not that I'm wondering what use it has but that I'm wondering what might be the material value of the things I've written.
  I realize that this will seem to some as a conceited or mercenary thing to wonder, but I do wonder it, reasonable or unreasonable as it may be. And having wondered, I must ask the questions I have, so that if, perchance, someone else has the answer, I might be edified. Right or wrong, I have wondered these things.
  I don't want to waste my time producing things that have so little value to others that nobody would be willing to pay for their production. And the production of these essays and other entries does consume an appreciable amount of time, i.e., it does fit the criteria of being work. And the worker is worthy of his hire. I realize that many of the things I have written in this journal have had a positive effect on someone's life. I know because I have had people comment saying that it is so. Writing is work, and it might be possible for me to be paid for this work, and some of the things I've written have been of benefit to someone.
  Not recently, but earlier in the year, I set and met a goal for myself of posting at least one entry every day for a whole month. While not all of the entries have been good entries, I have managed to post one real entry every day for the space of a whole month. I reason that being able to produce one entry every day for a month (and having at the end of the month more than one topic awaiting expansion into an entry) means that I could write a daily column for some entity in exchange for a monetary benefit. I have the means to produce writing on a consistent basis, if I have a motivation to do so.
  Having decided that it seems not unreasonable that I might receive some compensation for my works, I am left with the question of how to do this. I have not been approached by anyone wishing to publish my work in their publication, so I don't plan to look for the daily column outlet. And I'm not in any way suggesting that I am thinking of starting a commercial commentary site. I am not seeking to transform what I do here on my journal into a paycheck. I am not going friends-only and locking out people who don't wish to pay for my rantings, quite apart from the fact that I could by no means do that on LiveJournal. No, I think the best route for me, if it be that my writings here have any material value, is to publish a compilation of the best of my writings. I am considering a collection of my best writings.
  I am not the person to decide what the cream of my crop is. After all, as the author of these writings, I am probably likely to consider them in a better light than anyone else, being dissatisfied with very few of the serious entries. Because of this, I need outside opinions. I need your help. Please tell me about your favorite entries I've written. Please tell me if there is any entry that would improve your chances of buying a collection if you saw it within a book in the store. Please tell me which entries you think should be in a paperback collection.
  Please tell me whether you think I am completely misguided in thinking that there is material value to the things I've written here in my journal over the past six years.
Those who help with this will receive a mention on the acknowledgments page of the book.

Here are some notable parts of my journal of the trip to Poland:
  "I've been thinking a lot about single-field missionaries, those lovely people who visit a place and fall in love with it and its people and go back year after year to the same place. I've never really been one of those. I've been a lot of places. This thinking seems to be leading somewhere for me.
  I also reflected that I do have a fierce love of the people in Poland. One of the things I have often prayed in recent weeks is that our team do no harm to the people in Poland, to the reputation of our church or Pastor Kris' parish in Poland, to the relationships between Poland and its Methodist churches and the UMVIM churches in the States. I am at enmity with harm."
  "While I was looking through my devotional book, I ran across a note I'd written on an entry. I had prayed that God would bring me to live out my love of the English language by teaching it OR guide me in a different direction. And I just laughed. How often do we ask God to do this or that, I reflected, and God answers with AND instead of OR? After all, here I am in Poland teaching English, AND God has led me in a different direction, Journalism or something else in Communications."
  "I'm having stronger wonderings about where God is calling me.
  I think that I'm being called to a ministry of drawing people out into the mission field. Obviously, my going many places is not going to make a huge difference, but if I can get many people to go many places for God's mission in the world, that will make a huge difference."
  "Late in the evening, I found myself rattling around and thinking about a calling to draw others into missions. Missions is important, and more important is doing missions the right way."
  We got back on Monday. On Wednesday, there was a meal and presentation by the Peru team, which had left and returned shortly before the Poland team went over. It was interesting to me to see how the light of missions was in the eyes of the team members. That excitement was good for me to see, but I didn't put it there.
  I think that's the first thing God wants me to realize about getting others involved in missions: I can't do it.
  See, I've been trying for years to get my church more involved in missions. But it was another missionary from our church who got this Peru team started. And it was that trip, not mine, that gave them that excitement for God's work.
  The second thing I think God wants me to understand is that it's okay that I can't do this.
  My job is to do what He's called me to do. The results are up to God, so the results are not my responsibility. My responsibility is to do the task God gives me to the best of my ability.
  This idea is a bit freeing, because I don't have the slightest idea about what to do first or next. But it's also scary, because I can't cling to my inability to decide the outcomes for myself, lest I should lose sight of the importance of doing the task God has given me.
  I think my first step, then, is to sit down and make notes about all the things I know about missions. I expect this will take a humblingly short amount of time.
  I wish you well. May God richly bless you.

My mom and I went tonight to see the Taming of the Shrew. It was pretty good. The director costumed the players in modern clothing, for the most part, and had the good sense to leave Shakespeare's lines in their original form. We laughed a lot, both at the Shakespearean jokes and at the modern sight gags. All in all, it was a fun time.
Some people hissed at Kate when she delivered her final soliloquy, which I felt was in very bad taste.

I've seen recently a few of the Disney dubs of the works of Hayao Miyazaki. They have been skillfully realized films, dubbed with great care to their accuracy and synchronization, that have been worth seeing a second and third time. If any of you are fans (or become fans) of Studio Ghibli's works, I'd enjoy discussing them with you.

Frustration has been present in many of my recent days. My desires ebb and flow, turning up now and then on different days most strongly, but all of them, both great and small, seem postponed with no estimated time of arrival. And most frustrating is that this is true of both my heart desires (finding my wife, having steady work to provide for her and buy a house, and getting married) and of the minor whims of the passing of the day (having money to buy this or that amusement), as well as the desires in between (having money to support worthwhile artists by buying their works). I feel pulled in a thousand different directions with no clear idea of how to accomplish any of my desires because of the choices I have made as far as getting my next degree. I feel both pulled to things beyond my reach and anchored to things beyond my control other than drastic choices not easily undone. And I am tired, weary from lack of discipline to sleep at reasonable hours and exercise as much as I should. And I've been having trouble getting myself motivated to do the things I need to do.

I am making good progress with the exercise, though. I have a treadmill now, and I can exercise while I do my class reading. Since March 9th, when I took the Everything Test and discovered that I weighed 198 pounds (and decided that was probably not healthy), I've made good progress. Without making many changes at all (mostly just curbing the between-meal snacking), I've lost about 6 pounds. I plan to simply stick to this method, no particular emphasis other than eating a regular breakfast and a light meal and a big meal, taking seconds only when I am actually still hungry, and trying to get a little bit of extra activity, and lose weight until my body reaches its optimal weight. I'm not setting an arbitrary goal, because I'm not dieting. But I might continue to keep track of where I am, thought I might not, because I can't think of any reason you all would care about such things. I mean, I care when my friends are trying to reach a goal because it's important to them, but wouldn't care if they didn't care.

Tomorrow is a new day. I no longer feel hideous, my lip having cleared up almost completely. I expect this episode is over.

The semester is reaching that point where the assignments begin to really come hot on the heels of each other. I want to get them done quickly, but they take particular steps to complete that cannot be done as quickly as I would like. I'm going to finish this degree, but I'm not sure whether I'm well-suited for reporting.

Pray for me, for guidance and discipline... and that I find my wife soon for her friendship with me to grow strong.

I guess it's been a while since I updated. Here's what has been happening.
My lips appear to be healthy again. They've been clear for a couple of days.
I've been doing homework. Yeah. It's starting up again. I had some reading, and I've knocked that out. I had an assignment from my Magazine writing class to bring a copy of my favorite magazine, "and if you don't have one, go to Barnes and Noble and pick one," so since I don't really read magazines, and since my favorite magazine is vintage Mad, which doesn't have articles, per se (which is what we'll be discussing), I went to Books-A-Million! and spent twenty minutes scowling at their selection of magazines. I wasn't scowling at the limits or the contents... just scowling because I don't really have a magazine I read. I'm getting started in HO railroading, so I picked up a copy of Model Railroader 2007 special issue, which I will claim as my favorite magazine, for at least the next week. With that out of the way, and my chapters read for tomorrow's class, I'm ready to go.
I'll drop in to the campus paper after class and probably proof stories for a good long while. I have my copy of the Stylebook in my backpack, so I should be good to go on that front. I'm nervous about this. I'm always nervous about going to work, because even though I should have no trouble with the work, I'm afraid of messing up.
Speaking of reading, I've been doing some. I'm into the third section of the third book of Return of the Native, and the story is starting to move at a good pace. Older books tend to start more slowly, but I think they're worth it when you get into them. It's an intimidating thing, though, because some books don't really go well after the slow start, and by then it's too late. You've read half of the book and are sick of it. But getting back to the book I am reading, it's very good. The story is shaping up nicely, and the things abridgers might remove are thoughtful and well-written. I'm glad I started reading it. However, I'm anxious to get back into Anna Karenina.
And speaking of good stories, I saw a great movie tonight. It's called Akeelah and the Bee. This movie is well-done. It's cute, heart-warming, and funny, but it's also serious, gritty, and poignant. The ending is great, not what you would expect in a movie that is heading where this one heads in the middle third. I recommend it.
I've also seen:
A Prairie Home Companion - A fun movie, especially if you listen to the radio show. Many familiar characters, but I probably wouldn't recommend it to someone who's not a fan of the broadcasts.
Mozart and the Whale - A very well-crafted story. I was disappointed in the level of bad language, though. I saw a bit of myself in the characters, and you probably could, too. In truth, we face similar struggles to those faced by the characters in this movie.
Mission: Impossible III - Just what you'd expect. Worth the price of admission. Rather gut-wrenching in places. But a thrilling ride.
And speaking of stories, I have some I'd like to tell through images. If any of you would be interested in drawing for a comic strip, please let me know. I don't have any plans that would bring in any money, but I have over 80 strips worth of scripts, and it'll be good practice. Plus, if we do somehow make money, I'll be happy to split it 50-50 (or 40-60, if you prefer).
Tomorrow, I want to drop by the local paper. I've been thinking about trying to sell some of my essays for publication. Do newspapers do that anymore? Or would any of you like to publish essays I wrote?
I guess that's enough for this update. God bless you all!

I've finished updating my website design. I hope you like it, because I was looking at the timestamps, and it's been since Tuesday that I started working on it. I'm pretty well pleased with how it came out.

I've been wanting to change the picture for my Saucy keyword to something with a cat. One of my acquaintances in the game room has offered to let me use a picture of her kitty, so I hope to have that made soon.

It's getting toward the end of the semester. I have one final left, and I have to put together a difficult project. I'll finish it up on Monday and turn it in on Tuesday when I take my final.

I've been having trouble with my schedule the last few days. It gets late, and I know I should go to bed, but I keep looking at more web pages or trying to do one more thing... I don't know if that has anything to do with something I realized tonight walking back from the game room, where I'd been hanging out for a long time after there was any interesting conversation going on... I think I've been lonely lately, and I just want to be around people, even if some of them aren't very nice. I'm not like going off the deep end, but I think there's something of a mesh between the way things are in my dorm building and the loneliness that makes me not want to be in my dorm at all... and then when I get here, I don't want to go to bed. I don't know. Never mind that. I'll be home soon and around people I know and the things I love about home and away from the things I hate about the dorm. So forget that stuff.

But feel free to comment on the new website design.

  It's stinking cold in my dorm room. The past several nights, I've felt worse and worse as the night goes on, and I think it's because of the cold. It's not that cold outside, but the A/C unit in our room blows cold air all night. Tonight, I put on my bathrobe, and I don't feel as bad as I've been feeling, but my hands still get cold, and I realized that my hands, at least, and the shivering, remind me a lot of my time in Poland in the winter. I know I should go to bed earlier, but I feel in the late evening that I'm just getting started on the important things I'll get done during the day.
  I mentioned already that my current website design is ending. I started work on my new design last night. This time, I remembered first thing to archive a copy of the old design. Then I set about designing the layout. It's four boxes under the site name graphic that lead to four areas: The Page - My writing, The Hand - About me and my thoughts, The Muse - Influences on my work, and Poland - My time in Poland. I'm concerned that the labels are a bit trite and corny, but I'll go with them for now, unless I hear from many people that the idea is bad.
  I hate uncertainty. I hate not knowing how something is or should be. I think that's why I feel the need to constantly check the waters, why the counsel of those around me holds so much importance for me. Sometimes, I think I'd rather things turn out quickly the way I don't want them to go than for uncertainty to drag on. Uncertainty is when I do lots of overthinking, I think...and that applies to so many things: worrying when someone doesn't come at the expected hour, the status of friendships, feeling ill and throwing up or not, test scores and semester grades, and romantic relationships, et cetera.
  I have not been comepletely forthright with some of you who've spoken to me recently, because I have been in a state of flux regarding something.
  After I got back to Jacksonville, I asked Ruth what I had asked her before we met: What do you think about our relationship, and where do you see it leading? At that time, we discussed some issues we had noticed during our visit. As well as the two of us match, as amazed as i am at how well we match, there are some significant differences between us in the way we approach things and our relative levels of independence. We decided to give some time to thinking and praying about these concerns to decide whether they were red flags or simply areas that we needed to work on reaching a compromise. For this reason, I felt that I ought not reveal this state of flux to other people.
  I am confident that God has someone better suited than me for Ruth, and that He has someone very well-suited for me. It is possible that God's will is, indeed, for Ruth and me to marry, and if so, I'm sure He will let us know. Otherwise, we will try to patiently await our respective spouses. I am thankful for the many nights of wonderful conversation we had. My semester was greatly brightened by our nightly chats. I think that the speed with which we got to know each other, the maturity with which we handled things, and the due caution with which we treated things (she more than I, hehe) made our recognition of the status of our relationship faster and lessened the pain of our decision to take a step back.
  I am sad that it did not go differently, and I have some pain, but I am glad to have things settled, and I am happy to know Ruth; I know she will be a magnificent wife for someone, whether that someone is me or not. God bless you, Ruth. May He make you and your husband exceedingly happy.
  An entry bears this similarity to a romantic relationship: they are both difficult to end gracefully.
  Speaking of tests and grades, please pray for me. The semester ends soon. I have three major assignments due this week. I wish this week were over and its pains forgotten. God bless you all! Good night.

I thought it might be a good idea to look at my interests to find communities I could participate in to generate discussion with other people to hopefully meet new people who hopefully live near me or my college. Instead, I've reached a startling conclusion:
I don't belong here.
That's right. I don't belong on the internet. I have very few things listed in my interests that I really care to talk about at length with anyone. Many of my interests are things I'm interested in doing in the real world, not talking about in the virtual one. A quick look at my interests might make an interesting entry, though, so we can begin the schadenfreude immediately.

Interests: 150: With 150 interests, you'd think I'd have something to talk about with almost anyone.( Hold on tight; it's a long one! )
ETA: Title

There is often a bittersweet sense that accompanies accomplishments. Very often, our success in a thing comes at a price. We become skilled at one thing by devoting time to it in place of other things that could have occupied those hours.
I wonder if that is what is happening to me now.
I sometimes pride myself on being unobtrusive. I was pleased by the fact that someone gave me the nickname of silk for my ability to walk up behind people without their noticing until I was beside them. There's something about the ability to move unseen that appeals to me. Perhaps it is my affinity for watching people that makes me happy to observe without being noticed.
But is that unobtrusiveness hurting me?
I have noticed lately that very few females around here seem to give me a second glance. Those who do take notice of me are generally those who are in relationships and see me as someone with whom to talk on light subjects of little consequence. I notice women, but they don't seem to notice me. Is it possible that no one seems to take a romantic interest in me for the simple reason that the women around me are unaware of my presence as an entity to be given any more attention than a baluster on the staircase?
And what about my identity as a writer?
Certainly, a writer can reach more people the more awareness there is of his or her writing. If I knew that there were a large population of people aware of my writing, I would be prepared to make the investments needed to make my writings available to readers. I hope soon to do this, anyway... at least in the form of CD-ROM versions of my books. I have not yet done so because of the dry place I have been for so long in the matter of outside interest in my writing, as well as other things that consume my time.
It's funny. I keep coming back to this insatiable desire to know if anyone sees me. When I think no one is watching, I am more comfortable watching others, but I am less likely to put effort into displaying messages. Perhaps that is not as it should be. Perhaps I need to display messages at all times and let people see what they see without caring who is or is not watching. This is a hard thing: In a place where many people will readily argue against any message at all, regardless of its content or its alignment with what they truly believe, in spite of their own claims to belive nothing. Opposition to a specific idea is worthy of my respect, but opposition to any and all ideas is baffling to me.
But this has little to do with seeing or being seen.
I wonder whether I am being seen. I wonder if anyone should see me right now. I wonder if I should be more obtrusive, and if so, how? Or should I simply observe and build my stores of knowledge in anticipation of a time when people will see me? In truth, there are only two about whom I care that they see me: God and my future wife. To everyone else, I only wish to be seen for the purpose of pointing them toward God.
I know God sees me.
But where is my wife?

Just a few points of update for you:
On Thursday, I refined my rainwater irrigation system for my azaleas.
On Friday, I went to the courthouse, but they were closed. I didn't bother to drive to the post office to see if they were open.
Friday afternoon, I was working with my soldering iron, and I started to do something with the solder roll and wasn't watching the iron, and the soldering iron touched my leg. So, I have a 2" long burn on my leg. It should give me another nice addition to my scar collection, but it was not fun at all! I even got dizzy, because I panicked after reading that a 2nd or 3rd degree burn could cause shock. So, I felt pretty stupid for both of those things.
I spent the evening eating, watching movies, and reading LJ entries, to keep from going stir crazy rattling around in the empty house.
Anyway, Happy New Year. I didn't, as I had considered, go to bed early.

Quoted: "Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet" - Roger Miller

Explanations: I was thinking a week or two ago about, well... to be quite honest, I was thinking about how patient the woman I marry will have to be. What with my ADHD, my passion for discussing (okay, for ranting about) certain topics, and my desire for feedback, not to mention my propensity for getting totally engrossed in a project, she's going to need some major patience. I realize I'm being a bit negative, but I think it's better to be slightly negative with relation to reality than to be overly positive about one's personality assets. People get into trouble when they view themselves too negatively or too positively.( Read more... )

More explanations later...

Talk to me: Women, what Biblical description would you give to the man you're seeking? Or, for everyone, what scriptures guide(d) you in your search for a mate? (Please tell me which question you're answering)

Link of the Day: Power to the People! Otherpower.com is full of information about off-grid power systems. They even have instructions on building a hamster-powered night-light. Too cool! If you can, or if you need something they sell, buy something from them. The folks who do this website have a ton of useful stuff, and they have big server bills, so if you can help out, I'm sure they'd appreciate it... plus, you can do some cool projects with the stuff you buy. ;)

Well, I thought that I might try to establish a warm and human relationship with any readers who might be new to my journal. To that end, here is a brief introduction to me. In retrospect, I realize that when I started my livejournal (way back before the big deletion), I never did introduce myself. I figured that everyone who came to my journal already knew me, so why introduce myself. I think I just jumped right into posting my thoughts and such. At one point, I made an introduction, but that entry is buried in the archives of the past, where few people go. Also, some things have changed. Anyway, without further ado, here it is:

Hi. I'm Skreyola. I'm a very private person, and I value my privacy.
But I love meeting new people, so try to ignore my reticence. I'm a nice person, when you get to know me.
I won't reveal my age, because I've found that many people in this world will discount wisdom if they don't think a person is old enough to have it. Therefore, I speak without giving that information. People should weigh my words by their merit, not by mine.
I'm six feet tall, skinny, and pale. I have brown hair, hazel eyes, and glasses.
Now, on to more profound things:
I'm a servant of the God of Truth, Love, and Life. I am a servant of Christ Jesus, who is my life. I was a terrible person before Jesus picked me up out of the slime, and I will not give up my relationship with Him for anyone or anything.
I'm single. I'm not happy single. I don't have any interest in being happily single. I want a wife, and that is not up for debate. At the same time, I'm not the kind of person who whines all day about being single. I don't whine, actually. And I only talk about it now and then.
I'm a male, but I'm not a typical male. I used to say that I'm not a man, because that term has taken on such a negative connotation these days. Now, I say that you must not expect me to act like any man you've ever met. I am what I am, and I don't like when people assume I'll do something, especially something bad, without any evidence in that direction from me.
I'm an author. I write novels, poems, essays, and anything else I happen to fancy.
I am very passionate about my beliefs and very vocal about my thoughts. I try to be tactful, but I say what I think needs saying.
Things I like include ballroom dancing, eating, and long walks.
Things I hate include meanness, dishonesty, and rudeness.
My pet peeves include drivers who tailgate me, people who won't explain why they're upset with me, and chain stupidity.

As firm, tenacious, and bold as I am, I try to be a friend to everyone who knows me. I want to make new friends, so if you want a friend, here I am (I like making old friends, too).

Did I mention I don't like stupidity?

Election year link: The GOP is the Party of the Rich - Something to think about.

I've been frustrated of late by the situation in which I find myself. I don't know what path my life will take. I feel like a wandering man in the desert without a compass. I have everything I absolutely have to have and a few nonessentials, but I don't know which way to walk. But I feel strong urges to journey... I want to just pack up and go! I was planning to take off (I don't know where... I might not even have decided that before leaving) after July 4th, then that changed to after August 6th, and then God dropped one of my wants squarely into my lap. I'm now in this little town until the end of the year, because I'm getting to direct/produce my play! And you don't turn God down when He drops something you want into your lap.
So, I have the urging to travel, to journey, to quest, but I don't know where I'm going or what I'm trying to find. It is ironic that I should be on a quest for something unknown, because I hate the unknown. I like to have road maps, directions, or at least a general idea of where I'm going and how to get there.
So, here I am, always pressing on and moving forward but never seeming to make progress toward something substantial, visible, and definite.
Where am I going between now and then?
*sigh*

There are days when I feel like strangling the next person who tells me I should try to be happy with my singleness. There are some people who are happy being single, and I have no problem with that. I do have a problem with someone telling me that the desire of my heart should be ignored or suppressed.
What is more, the idea that one must become not only healthy and whole before being ready for marriage but also get to a state where one could live happily throughout life without marrying, is an idea not only ludicrous and insulting to those whose heart desire is marriage but also unscriptural. Marriage is, throughout the Bible, treated as a good thing, and I Timothy 4:3 lists forbidding to marry as one of the things that will be done by those who depart from the faith. It is one symptom in an apparently larger course of denials of Biblical roles and values.
The idea doesn't even fit logic. In I Corinithians, Paul says that that it is good to be single (I Cor 7:8), so I say that if one feels happy to live singly for life, why should that person seek to get married at all? Let that person stay single, but let that person not tell others not to marry. Paul goes on to say that those who cannot live in singleness should marry (I Cor 7:9). Paul seems to regard marriage and celibacy as equally viable options, but he wants every believer to be content (I Cor 7:7). Vowing celibacy or finding a wife is a step toward this contentment. In addition, one can be content in the present while working to change the situation. In fact, this should be the state in which a single Christian wishing to marry lives.

Let me point out, as I have in the past, that there is a difference between the heart's desire and simple desires. Simple desires can be eliminated simply by an act of will. For instance, right now, I desire a certain movie on DVD. It's a strong desire, for I would very much like to see that movie again. In spite of that, I could just as easily decide today that I will never watch that movie again. Since it is a simple desire, I would have no problem following through on that decision. The heart's desire is different. When your heart desires something, you cannot turn away from it by an act of will. To turn away from that desire is to look into despair, as Proverbs 13:12 says, hope deferred maketh the heart sick. A heart's desire is also different from a wish, a hope, or a dream. Having said that, let me now say this:

Personally, I think it is evil to tell someone their heart's desire is wrong. I do not believe that God gives any person a heart's desire for something that He will not eventually provide. To tell someone that causes them unnecessary pain, and willfully causing unnecessary pain is not a loving act. I consider it extremely offensive. Let it be far from you, my friends. Let us love one another, and let us lift up those who face sorrow, for this is what Jesus would have us do.

( more test stuff )
I'm going to go through some of the recommended jobs in the packet of information I was given and discuss my thoughts on any that jump out at me, beginning with the area of my greatest interest according to the test.
( cut to preserve freshness )
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I need to consider these jobs more closely, doing research on them to find out what they involve.

How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.
No one can eat an elephant whole. It must be carved up into bite-sized pieces.

I have decided that the time is now here when I must make a diligent and concentrated effort to discover the elusive idea which I have occasionally tried to find, that is, my path in life in the area of a career, a vocation, my life's work. In the past, I have taken steps to pull this mysterious career out of the mists...
At this point, some of you may be wondering why this is such a big deal to me, or, to put it in clearer terms, why this is not obvious to me. I sympathize with your confusion, friend. I know that many of you knew by age 6 what you wanted to be when you grew up. If that is you, bless you; I'm happy that your choice was so clear. Many people are suited divinely for one particular role, but some people could do a number of different things. I happen to be one of this latter group.
The last time I took an interests and aptitudes test, I was given a list of "work groups", various types of jobs. There were 59 groups listed, and the mark for aptitude in a particular work group was present on every single one of them. The proctor for the test told me I was lucky, that some people come in and only come out with two or three wrok groups for which they are apt. I told her that having all these choices was my whole problem. I could go into literally almost any type of job, based on my abilities.
None of this, however, takes into account my disabilities or my interests. But I'll discuss that later.
Here are some of my aptitude results (scores in percentiles):
General Learning Ability: 95
Verbal Aptitude: 95
Numerical Aptitude: 73
Spatial Aptitude: 99
Form Perception: 99
Clerical Perception: 99
Motor Coordination, Manual and Finger Dexterity were not tested.
There were twelve interest areas: Artistic, Scientific, Plants/Animals, Protective, Mechanical, Industrial, Business Detail, Selling, Accommodating, Humanitarian, Leading/Influencing, and Physical Performing.
My top four interests were (in percentages of interest in each area): Mechanical (67%), Leading/Influencing (64%), Artistic (64%), and Selling (40%). I had three areas with 0% interest: Scientific, Plants/Animals, and Industrial.
So, I took these results and said to myself, I've learned nothing significant from this. I mean, I already knew that I had so many options the choice is overwhelming, I already knew I was interested in art, I already knew I like to put things together and take them apart, and I already knew that I have a leadership qualities. Nonetheless, I kept the report in my office.
I will attempt now to use this report to help me eat this elephant. I think this report was essentially useless because I was trying to use it the wrong way: as a fork to help me pick up my career. I need a knife to help me carve up the possibilities and extract the portion I can eat. Stay tuned...