http://skreyola.livejournal.com/268380.html

I covet your responses to this entry from way back when.
Trust me, I'm not poking anyone or feeling ill toward anyone about this. I totally understand how life can grab you by the collar and whisk away a whole semester. You may have noticed I'm not around LJ much, these days. So I'm not mad at anyone, even if you gave me a time and missed it. I feel you have done me no wrong. Life is like this.
But I'm still eager to learn the answers to my questions, so if any of you reading this have time now, or in the future, please take a look at the earlier entry and leave me a comment.
In short, it basically says this:

• Right or wrong, I wonder if there is material value to some (certainly not all) of the entries I've written in my LJ over the past six years.


• Writing is work, and it's fair to be paid for work, and someone might benefit from something I've written.


• I have the means to produce writing on a fairly consistent basis, provided the motivation to do so (someone cares that I write entries rather than not write entries).


• I am considering a collection of my best writings.


• I don't know what are the best ones, so please tell me. I don't know if this idea is totally off-base, so if you think it's stupid/conceited/pointless, tell me that.

By the by, does anyone have a suggestion for the best means of publishing something like this?

I have completed the Cave of Ordeals in Twilight Princess.
That was a pain in the neck.
I did the run through the cave because it was where the last Poe was hiding. In the chambers near the end, the game designers just tried to annoy the player. All the most vicious and difficult enemies are there, and there are three separate rooms with those master swordsmen who require the hidden skills to beat (or the mace and more life than you're likely to have).
At the end of this, you get one (at a time) jar of great fairy tears, and she doesn't even give you a new bottle.
This is one of many things in this game that is a little out of proportion to the amount of garbage you have to go through to get it. The minigames with the baloons you have to break around Lake Hylia and Zora's river are pretty well balanced, and the star game is not so bad once you get the pattern down (or turn on the cursor for that minigame), but the Poe souls and the Cave of Ordeals are a little out of scale with what you get, particularly when they only reward you with one-at-a-time goodies.
And I'm a little disappointed that you have to wait so long (from spending money, bringing a few bugs, spending, bringing a few bugs) or waste so much to get the huge wallet from Agitha. And I'd like the rupee armor a lot better if it didn't drain rupees when you're not getting hit.
After the Jovani quest (and you don't in the end get to help the guy, after all) his cat will only give you one reward of 200 rupees at a time, and only when you're low on rupees, so that makes it a poor companion to the rupee armor, which would be cool if you got your wallet filled.
Yeah, I know that if the player got more bottles, had better rupee armor, and had a larger wallet or truly unlimited rupees after completing the Jovani quest, the game would be a lot easier near the end, but rupees as rewards are a little bit trivialized by how easy it is to get them or even just farm them through simple repetitive actions. The hardcore gamers are going to try to beat the game without any rewards or extra hearts, but it would be nice if the harder side quests got you something more worth all the trouble.
So, yeah.
I feel a little bit good about my 'accomplishment' even though it's only a game, but I'm also a little disappointed that it doesn't even bring much of a value in-game.
I've now done just about everything in this game. I got all the golden bugs last time through. I got the Cave of Ordeals and the Poe souls this time through. I got almost all the heart pieces last time before I got bored with that and just beat the end boss. I probably ought to put it aside and consider giving it to someone else. It's still a fun game, but I may be pretty much done with it.

Speaking of games, I've been thinking a lot lately about World of Warcraft. I know that a tiny bit of this is that I've seen other people talking about it, but even when I haven't for a while, I've been thinking about it, thinking about tips and tricks I picked up back when I had an active account.
I'm not really interested in going back to it, because I don't have time to play a game that immersive (I end up playing too long with simutrans, and that doesn't really get you anything hugely significant. It's a cool game, but in the end, you just play until you have a transport network you love and/or get tired of playing, then you start a new one)... and I think that might be why I ought to mention it here.
World of Warcraft is a game with many bad facets, mostly having to do with the way people play it, but also with the philosophy and backstory of the game. But it's also a game that designers should study. It's an immersive world with plenty of places to explore; you could enjoy the game for hours just wandering the countryside exploring the different locations. It has excellent gameplay; the fighting system is the best I've ever seen (You have 10 or so action keys for different attacks or other actions, so you can actually engage in combat. You don't just select an enemy and let the auto-swing pound on it (unless you're a pally, hehe), like you do in some other games I could mention, which have only one or two fighting keys, or worse, menu-based attacks). Blizzard works very hard at making the game balanced, and I think they did a very good job of it. It's a good model for gameplay, and I wish there were more games like it in underlying structure and gameplay. As I said, I want a better storyline than WoW has. But I'd really like to play a game that plays like WoW.

So, I guess today I'm kind of comparing Zelda with WoW. I wonder if anyone has ever done that before. hehe.

I also would love to have a CD of the music from the game, because they did an excellent job with it.

I won't ask for a response to this entry, which in my experience means it's likely I'll get a firestorm of comments on it, hehe. Anyway,

This journal is now over six years old. It started on Sept. 2, 2001.
  Over the past several months, I've been thinking about the value of my journal. What I mean by that is not that I'm wondering what use it has but that I'm wondering what might be the material value of the things I've written.
  I realize that this will seem to some as a conceited or mercenary thing to wonder, but I do wonder it, reasonable or unreasonable as it may be. And having wondered, I must ask the questions I have, so that if, perchance, someone else has the answer, I might be edified. Right or wrong, I have wondered these things.
  I don't want to waste my time producing things that have so little value to others that nobody would be willing to pay for their production. And the production of these essays and other entries does consume an appreciable amount of time, i.e., it does fit the criteria of being work. And the worker is worthy of his hire. I realize that many of the things I have written in this journal have had a positive effect on someone's life. I know because I have had people comment saying that it is so. Writing is work, and it might be possible for me to be paid for this work, and some of the things I've written have been of benefit to someone.
  Not recently, but earlier in the year, I set and met a goal for myself of posting at least one entry every day for a whole month. While not all of the entries have been good entries, I have managed to post one real entry every day for the space of a whole month. I reason that being able to produce one entry every day for a month (and having at the end of the month more than one topic awaiting expansion into an entry) means that I could write a daily column for some entity in exchange for a monetary benefit. I have the means to produce writing on a consistent basis, if I have a motivation to do so.
  Having decided that it seems not unreasonable that I might receive some compensation for my works, I am left with the question of how to do this. I have not been approached by anyone wishing to publish my work in their publication, so I don't plan to look for the daily column outlet. And I'm not in any way suggesting that I am thinking of starting a commercial commentary site. I am not seeking to transform what I do here on my journal into a paycheck. I am not going friends-only and locking out people who don't wish to pay for my rantings, quite apart from the fact that I could by no means do that on LiveJournal. No, I think the best route for me, if it be that my writings here have any material value, is to publish a compilation of the best of my writings. I am considering a collection of my best writings.
  I am not the person to decide what the cream of my crop is. After all, as the author of these writings, I am probably likely to consider them in a better light than anyone else, being dissatisfied with very few of the serious entries. Because of this, I need outside opinions. I need your help. Please tell me about your favorite entries I've written. Please tell me if there is any entry that would improve your chances of buying a collection if you saw it within a book in the store. Please tell me which entries you think should be in a paperback collection.
  Please tell me whether you think I am completely misguided in thinking that there is material value to the things I've written here in my journal over the past six years.
Those who help with this will receive a mention on the acknowledgments page of the book.

  One of the most important things to remember about missions is that we do not forge a path into uncharted territory, taking the Lord with us. When we go into places away from our home, we are joining Jesus in work He's already doing.
  I once heard an excellent paraphrase of Psalm 59:10, which was, "My God, in His lovingkindness, shall meet me at every corner." Every time we approach a corner and don't know what's around the bend, God is there providing for us. Every time we come to a corner and feel trapped, God is already there providing for our needs. Psalm 139 tells us in verses 7-13 that no matter where we go in the world, even to the heights and depths of heaven or hell, God will be with us.
  I mention this because I know there are times we forget it.
  I heard a story a few years ago about a mission team that went to Poland. The story was told to me by a Pole, and he said that when they arrived in the airport in Warsaw, they were wearing shirts that said something like "Bringing Christ to Poland". He said the sight of it made him sick. I can well understand his feeling. Christianity was adopted in Poland in A.D. 966, over a millennium ago.
  And even if the team had been going somewhere with no formal history of Christianity, they still would not be taking Christ anywhere He had not already been. Christ precedes us in missions. Christ is at work wherever He calls us. We need to remember that we are not the root of God's grace, from which we take and spread it abroad. Nor are we the vessels where God's grace ends up, to be stored and enjoyed. We are conduits, the branches (Jn 15:5) that carry God's grace from the root to the leaves like water; living water flows through us, and while it nourishes us in passing, it does not stop in us: we pass it on.
  Remember, when you go out in missions, that you are not taking Christ anywhere. You are following Him.

  I didn't want my new game console to be just an expensive plaything for myself. I wanted my mom to be able to enjoy it, too. So, we've started the search for games she'll enjoy playing on it. Needless to say, her interests in games are quite different from mine.
( Read more... )
  Do any of you have suggestions of Wii or GameCube titles my mom and I might like?

What events do you remember from the first half of the year 2001? What kinds of things were you talking about with your friends, relatives, or co-workers in August 2001? I'm particularly interested in things you remember from the latter part of August.

I would greatly appreciate if you would ask your friends about this, as well. :)

[Edit: I'm asking about major events, things you remember being in the news before Aug. 25. Thank you for the information.]

I asked about the term Big Brother. Everyone who commented was able to connect the phrase with the book 1984 by George Orwell. Most of the comments connected the phrase in some way with intrusive watching. The general sense I get in everyday life is that people don't properly understand it, using it instead as simply a byword for government observation. Big Brother goes beyond that to a patronizing authoritarian nature that assumes it knows better than any of its citizens. One of the major things that leads me to believe most people don't understand the term is the widespread idea that America is getting close to living out "1984". We're not. As I see it, we're heading for different places than that; maybe worse, maybe better, but not at all close to Oceania.
Kudos to the one who mentioned other uses, including the mentoring program Big Brothers, Big Sisters.

I haven't seen anyone on LJTalk in the longest time. Is nobody using it?

Do any of you have bookmark lists at del.icio.us? Nobody said anything either way about it.

Do any of you think I don't post often enough?

    When we were young, we had fewer interests and were more fully devoted to those interests. When we liked baseball, everything was about baseball. Our rooms sported team pennants, we wore baseball caps, and we marked out baseball diamonds using whatever was at hand. When we were interested in safaris, we read about the jungles or the savannas of Africa, and we played that our own small patches of trees or our own vacant fields were those jungles or flatlands. And when we were young, we didn't make elaborate plans that would be difficult to carry out.
    When we were young, we had grand ideas and big dreams, but if we couldn't make them a reality in the physical space, we didn't put them off. We pretended, and our dreams became reality in the unseen world. The baseball diamond didn't need bleachers or dugouts or professional-grade bases. Tommy's hat was first base, Sam stood at a soda can for second, Jimmy straddled an old tire at third, and home plate was a road sign of unknown origin.
    When we were young, we used what we had available, and if nothing was available, our minds supplied the balance. There were no hanging vines or wild animals in that little patch of woods between Pine Street and Oak Lane, but we saw them, as we played that we were braving the jungles in search of Dr. Livingstone or the great cats of the wild. When we were interested in astronomy, we took off in a wagon or a cardboard box and flew to distant galaxies.
    When we were young, we carried out our plans quickly, using imagination to cover the missing portions of our needs. We finished the things we started, and we kept going until we were finished. And maybe that didn't take us anywhere, but we finished.
    As we grew, we were taught to make plans. As we grew, we were taught to itemize our needs. As we grew, we were taught to do things in discrete stages: research, plan, gather, build, evaluate, maintain. As we grew, we were taught to budget and revise and take care.
    As we grew, we became less devoted to our dreams and more broad in our interests. We didn't focus all of our energy on one interest ever. We had to manage our time and juggle our own interests, the demands of our education, and the probable requirements of cookie-cutter bosses in the theoretical companies of our careers or jobs.
    As we grew, we forgot how to fill gaps with imagination. We became rigid in our understandings of how to get things done. We made decisions based entirely on numbers.
    Now that we are adults, we devote less to our interests, causes, and beliefs.
    Now that we are adults, we have broad interests. Each thing we do brings up new ideas that no one else can or is likely to put into practice. We have ideas, but we don't follow through on them. The longer we live, the more often we will have good ideas that we leave unfinished, or even unstarted. We let the numbers and missing parts and improbabilities hold us back and keep us from exploring the jungles or playing the game or reaching for the stars.
    Tomorrow is a new day. Will you begin something new? Will you complete it? Or will you let more and more go undone, unfinished, unstarted, or even undreamed.

Because Aylan challenged me to update this:


1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?

Went on a cruise. Travelled more than 200 miles to see a girlfriend.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next
year?

No, because I didn't make any.
No, because change should happen when it's needed, not just at milestones.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No.

5. What countries did you visit?

Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Poland, Finland, Russia, Estonia, Tennessee

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?

My future wife's address.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I can't think of a date that would remain etched on my memory.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I went 100% Linux on the computer I use for most of my activities.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not being friendly to strangers. Not improving on so many of my faults.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes, but I think that was mostly from not getting enough rest and/or exercise.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My new laptop. And I got to give my old one to someone who could use it.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Our soldiers who have been honorably defending us and the people of Iraq.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I'd rather not say.

14. Where did most of your money go?

That university... and amusements to distract me from same.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I'm generally not one for getting super extremely excited about anything. But I was pretty stoked about my trip to Knoxville to meet Ruth. :)

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?

Um... I don't know... maybe Con Te Partido?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder?

Probably sadder.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Programming, writing, getting paid.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Wasting time.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Drove to Tallahassee to eat lunch with family.

21. How will you be spending New Years?

Going to church, sitting at home, maybe watching a movie and sipping apple wine.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Joan of Arcadia

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No.

26. What was the best book you read? The Bible
but other than the best seller of all time . ? .

The Star of Kazaan by Eva Ibbotson

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Pandora.com - even though they call it radio when it's not.

28. What did you want and got?

A new laptop.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hoodwinked!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Nothing particularly special. Very.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Getting an offer on some of my books or essays.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?

I still don't have one. I dress for comfort and for the occasion.

34. What kept you sane?

In the spring, Trackmania Nations. In the fall, talking to Ruth.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Can't think of one.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

The usual.

37. Who did you miss?

I still miss all the people from IRC's #Christian_singles channel.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Either Ruth or Derrick. I didn't get to know Derrick very well, but he impressed me in the small amount of time I spent with him. And Ruth is a wonderful person.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:

I need to trust God more.

I was right about the intensity of this semester. Things are starting to get stressful, but part of it is my terrible time-management skills.
Of course, part of it is that I chose a very difficult and beginner-unfriendly topic for my first story. Or maybe it's just that my schedule is such that finding people in their offices is a challenge... but that goes back to my poor time management. Anyway, I'm not complaining about the assignment, just stating that it is presenting a challenge I'm not sure I was ready to face... But this challenge was intensified this week. I've come down with a sinus infection that has made thinking difficult and sapped my energy a bit.
I've still been going to my classes, because I didn't know of any other way to know what was going on (and I take pride in perfect attendance). Perfectionism and poor time management don't mix well. They lead to taking on too many things.
Several days ago, I ran into someone while playing my PS2 game, We <3 Katamari, and he indicated an interest in playing it. He had a copy of Katamari Damacy, which I wanted to play (I would have bought that one if the game store had had a copy), so we agreed to loan them to each other. Anyway, I tell you that to tell you this: At the beginning of one of the levels, the king (who gives you your assignments) begins with "Dzien dobry!" and goes on to say something about having been in Poland. I don't remember what he said, but I was amused to see the mention. On campus, we have an area where the walkways are lined with light poles that have flag banners attached to them indicating the origin of international students currently enrolled. One of them is Poland, so I know there's at least one Pole here. I wish there were some way for me to find out who they are, because I think we might have interesting conversations. But I know the university will give me no help in this. I was thinking about that a few minutes ago when I ate the last section of a bar of Goplana chocolate filled with strawberry filling (which is from Poland).
Anyway, I think I'm starting to really get over the sinus infection, which means I will only have the ADHD to fight in getting things done. I plan to go to the library tomorrow. I walked all over campus today trying to find the office of the Faculty Association, which was closed when I arrived (and probably had been for some time before I went looking). So, that was a bit frustrating.
I went to the free ASL class today. Since I seemed to be the most experienced person there, I ended up translating, which was quite slow sometimes, given my mental state from the sinus trouble. But I did well enough to surprise myself. I'm hoping someone will start attending who knows more than I do, because interpreting for a class is quite a responsibility, but if not, that's okay, because it is good practice for me in both receptive and send-ive (still not thinking straight) signing. And when my head is not fuzzy, I should have fewer moments of, "wow, those handshapes are interesting; oops, what did that sign mean?"
I went shopping tonight. I got some generic decongestant. I stood in the aisle for about three minutes trying to figure out why it's still called Sudafed when they no longer put pseudoephedrine in their pills (You know, pseudo phed...). I also looked around to see if I could find something that did, since the bold claim of not containing it sparked my curiosity. Has pseudoephedrine been removed from the market, or has it just fallen out of favor with consumers? I also looked at a few things that had "no sugar added" and decided that legislation should be passed requiring some sort of easily-recognized graphic be put on anything containing aspartame. A lot of people are allergic to it or concerned about it, so it ought to be easier than reading the fine print of the ingredients for consumers to see that something has aspartame in it. In a continuation of good help being hard to find, tonight's cashier did the familiar examination of the canvas bag without understanding I didn't want to purchase it (again). The bagger, thankfully, understood the purpose and told the cashier what I wanted done. I found the irony mildly tasty.
Well, I think I've rambled enough, and I should go get some more food. Is it feed a cold, starve a fever, or feed a fever, starve a cold? ;) I guess it's a moot point, since I don't think I have either.

I'm ripping up the carpet in my office.
No, I'm not on the outs with my boss. This is in my home office. I bought a plastic mat for my rolling chair a couple of years ago. Recently, it go so cracked that I pulled it up. Underneath, it was stinky. I think mildew, or at least some sort of mold, was growing in the trapped moisture underneath.
I'm not sure how much effect that had during my recent unpleasantness, but it can't be helping, so I'm ripping up the carpet. I started yesterday with the section under the mat, but I'm going to try to clear some more of it on Saturday. I bought a mask today so I won't have so much trouble from the dust.
I'm going to lay down some vinyl tiles and get another plastic mat. Since it won't be on carpet, it shouldn't cause that problem again.

Things are going well at work. I'm working more and more on the website. It's coming together nicely. I enjoy working where I am working, but I'm also ready to head back to college. Wish I could say the same for my bank account.

Speaking of college, my textbooks arrived. I had them shipped to my house so I could look them over and hopefully get a head start on all the reading for my classes. Now, we'll see how disciplined I can be and actually do that.
I seem to be registered for everything that I need to take this semester. Pray for me, that my classes line up properly and that I have discipline and focus for my classes.

I'm still looking for local friends. I'd like to make a couple of local friends who know some ASL. I need the practice. I've done hardly any signing since I left Jacksonville. I sign some to my mom, but she doesn't know very many signs.
I'm also still looking for my wife. If you see her, tell her where I am and that I'd like to meet her. And tell me where to find her. ;)

God bless you all. Have a great weekend.

(Stolen from crystallia)
Take the first sentence you wrote in the first public post of each month last year and post them in your journal. That's your year in review. :-)

(I changed this a little because I messed it up and didn't notice until I'd finished.)

January 2004: I got my pictures back, so there are now some pictures of my faithful car on my website.
February 2004: The text medium has many shortcomings.
March 2004: I ran across this today: http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20040303/ap_on_re_us/cookie_boycott
April 2004: http://www.livejournal.com/users/rhjunior/128418.html
^^ Go here now.
May 2004: It's been a long week.
June 2004: A discussion of guns... [language warning] ...try to ignore the irrational rantings of strangely_coloured_dog and see the profound parts, like these:
July 2004: I want everyone who reads this to ask me 2 questions, no more, no less.
August 2004: Here are some words for living, from the twenty-seventh chapter of Proverbs:
September 2004: I opened my email this morning and found a message saying I have free access to a networking service that will allow me to contact people in different professions and get advice from them.
October 2004: Check out these cool shirts: http://www.chubshirts.com/003.html - http://www.chubshirts.com/010pics.html
(I've been thinking some more about the whole philosophy of Friends-only journals.)
November 2004: Today is the first day of November, which means that by the end of the day, thousands of people will have written about 1650 words, beginning NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month.
December 2004: I'm working on a new document format.
January 2005: Just a few points of update for you:

Quoted: "how certain are we that tomorrow will come? we're not.. God can decide that our time is up at any moment.. our next breath, our next words could be our last... so, why are we always so scared to say what we really want to... why can't we tell people that we love them when we do, or our true feelings? why do we guard ourselves and try to keep from getting hurt.. if we never get hurt, it means that we aren't taking enough chances, if we dont go after what we want we're never going to get it." --aprilrains

Explanations: I used to wonder how a mere mortal could bless God. After all, don't all blessings flow from God? How could a human bless the one from whom all blessings come?
    I realized the other day what I should have put together a long time ago. You know, some translations render the word (in the KJV) blessed from Jesus' sermon on the mount as happy. And I had an aha moment, and I realized that to bless someone is to do something that should make them happy. To be blessed is to be happy, or at least to have the opportunity to be happy.
    Barbara Johnson used this as a book title: Pain is Inevitable, but Misery is Optional, so Stick a Geranium in Your Hat and Be Happy; and I say that both trials and blessings come, and our happiness or sadness is not in what we get from life but in what we do with it.
    I should know... I've been making myself fairly miserable the last few weeks with worries and sadness over the departure of my mother for Poland, where she will teach English during her month there. She has arrived safely, so that's a good thing, by the way.
    "I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." --Phil 4:11b
    This is what I want: contentment in any situation.
    I've gotten off my topic... I was going to say that a man can bless God by doing what is righteous, by loving mercy and justice, and by walking humbly with his God. As the psalmists often said, Bless the Lord, O my soul!

More explanations later...

Talk to me: Since it's the end of the year, I'll ask this two ways: First, what were your favorite posts of 2004? (one each: your journal, my journal, and anyone's journal (including communities))? Second, what have been your favorite posts ever (again, 1 from yours, 1 from mine, and 1 from any journal(If your favorite was from this year, pick your second favorite))? If you know where to find each entry, please give a link to it. Otherwise, please describe the entry in brief. Thanks. :)

Link of the Day: Tragicomedy... I thought this was very funny, but those who are too easily offended shouldn't look at this. Don't get upset with me, if you do choose to look (don't get upset with the guy who posted it, either: you chose to look).

Quoted: In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts: they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Explanations:

You scored as Sloth. </td> Sloth 50% Gluttony 38% Pride 19% Wrath 19% Lust 12% Envy 6% Greed 6% Seven deadly sins created with QuizFarm.com

    Seems appropiate, considering how little I got done this weekend. I spent most of the weekend playing a game.
    It was a somewhat interesting weekend, though. ( Read more... )

Talk to me: What's your favorite game? or, What game do you play most often? (specify which question(s) you answer.)

Link of the Day: I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas!!!
[Ed: Thanks to fumby_girl for the link. Also, let me say that I'm not a glutton; I just have a high metabolism. BBL... gonna eat something...]

I've decided to remove my IRC client from this computer. I'm never on IRC anymore, what with LiveJournal and IM clients replacing everything I did there, and I need more space on my hard disk. In a way, I'm a little sad to see it go. IRC has been, over the years, my most successful means of meeting new people and making friends. Well, the media I'm currently using will have to fill that slot. Perhaps I will make my contact information public so that people can talk to me instantly. I'm not sure if anyone who doesn't have this capability is interested in it, but I may do it anyway.

Okay, everyone, it's Pass-a-Post time!

Two Month Review

List and talk about (or link to discussion of, if already discussed online) the five most significant events in your life during the past two months. Here are mine, in no particular order:

( 1. My trip to NC )

( 2. Learning about MS Access 2000(tm) )

( 3. Writing 11 scenes for Bringing Down the Stars and Jack's Days at Iunik (until I get a better title) )

( 4. Began writing letters to my future wife )

( 5. I came home )

Now it's your turn. Post this in your journal and tell us all what's been happening to you that is most significant.

For all my wisdom, I do not know this. For all I have experienced, I have never learned it. For all I have seen, I did not discern it. Why?
This is what I now see, know, and have learned: Struggles are rarely settled once and forgotten. Struggles continue where I think they should be settled, over, and done. This is quite apparent right now in my own life.
Things I think I shouldn't need to struggle with are things I must fight. Things I thought I had laid to rest come up to haunt me at night. Things I have abandoned seek to ensnare me again and again. And I realize that some struggles will continue as long as I have breath. Some truths I will need to realize over and over. Some things will have to be said to me time after time. Some problems I will have to be mindful of until this flesh shall fail.
This is a troubling realization, but it is not a discouraging one. Oh, no! This realization, I think, will be life to me in a future day. For I reckon that where I remember this truth, I will remember not to let my guard down to the enemy. I will know that I should avoid things that are likely to pull me into sin.
By way of example, there are things I should not read online. There are items I should not follow. Indeed, this I will do. I will continue in my present course; eschewing wickedness and seeking what is good.
...
In other news, I have been working on my first novel. I'm re-writing the entire thing. Well, I'm transscribing the entire thing, but I'm re-writing, rephrasing, re-working it as I type it out. It is my hope that, though I intend to cut a scene or two from the story, it will end up longer than the previous version. I'll post the first chapters as I finish them. I'm still not sure what to do with the lightning scene. It is one of those occurances that many people would be likely to discount as hack writing. Perhaps it was that when I first put it on paper. But by the end of the book, it is very clearly a miracle. It is not author interference but the inclusion of God as a character. There is a very important distinction to be seen here. Many authors use "God" as a cloak, an avatar, so that they can explain what they could not reveal in a more skillful way. This is not the case in my story. God is there, separate from the author, a distinct character in the book, though a veiled one.
Yet I do not wish to push a reader away because of the appearance of the incident. Therefore, I feel I must find some way to make it look as solid as it now is. I thought about having someone act instead of lightning, but then it wouldn't be a miracle, and a discussion later in the book would lose punch. Perhaps my avenging angel should make his appearance sooner, but then Brianna would be confused by it and would need to think about it. Perhaps I will have a man lean on the beam so that it falls that direction when the lightning strikes. *sigh* If anyone has a comment or suggestion, I would welcome it. Otherwise, I think that I will leave it much as it is. I have one idea I think I will add: A thought enters Skyler's head just before: "You will not die." What do you think?

Well, until the next update, God be with you.

It's that time again, I guess.
What time is that?
The time when I wonder if my three friends are the only ones who care what I say. *sigh*
I seem doomed to wonder this.
...
I had an ache in my heart, while praying, and I thought of him, and my ache became deeper. I thought I would like to hear from him, but no; that is something that might be arranged without its meaning anything. What I want is for him to care. I want him to write me because he cares; I don't want him to write me because someone told him I wanted it.
I've been aching the past few days from loneliness. I've been aching from the machine-like social construct. I hate the way so-called services don't care about anything but money. I dropped my account on one of those meet-people site, because they're all (permit me the hyperbole) greedy so-and-sos and only exist to separate you from your money, not to join you with others. I hate the assumption of most people that everyone should pay for everything and, paradoxically, that
no one should have to pay for anything.
I feel so alone in this big, greedy world.
Thank you, my three friends, for your empathy and kind thoughts. You needn't express them in words, for I know you care ("I'd already know" (I ought to write my own version of that song)). This is just one of those things you can't help me with. I can remember times for two of you when I have likewise been helpless, and all I can say is that I'm sorry you have to see my hurt without having anything to do to make it better. I know how bad that feels. There is nothing you 3 can do.
This will eventually pass. I will come through it stronger and more able to fight the terrible tide of shallow motives. Until then, thank you for being my friends.
The rest of you may be wondering, what with the size of my 'friend' list, why I say I only have three friends. The answer is quite simple: First, I don't count offline acquaintances, because none of the people I know offline have known me long enough nor gotten so close to me as the friends I have online. Second, only these three have taken the time to talk to me and get to know me (and let me get to know them) and are still here. A few others have gotten to know me, but we've either lost touch or one of us has decided that the other isn't good company (I think only one person can claim this decision was on my side). In other words, only these three have gotten to know me and haven't either abandoned or betrayed me. You may think that's harsh, but that's life. People do abandon their friends; people do betray the people who trust them. Most of us have experienced this.
What of this, though? To what point do I mention this? Not really to any point other than to reveal my thoughts and my heart. If someone works to get to know me, will I push them away? Quite unlikely. If no one responds to this, will I be hurt? Certainly not. Am I just trolling for new friends? No, but if someone finds me interesting, I'll explore that. Am I being unfair to my acquaintances by not including them, though they certainly care for me? No. Acquaintances and friends are not the same thing. Each of these three is someone I can talk to about what's on my heart. I have talked to them enough that I trust them, and I allow them the trust that they will not betray or abandon me. My acquaintances care, but I don't know anyone offline whom I can call when I need to talk to someone. I do not use the word friend lightly.
Well, as this entry threatens to degenerate into incoherent rambling with no end and no purpose, I will stop while it is still worthwhile.
In short, my readers, do nothing. That's right. I don't want anyone to do anything for me in response to this entry. That wasn't its purpose. If you wish to do something about this, merely meditate on what I've said. Don't do anything nice to me. Save that for other entries, because I don't want nice things done for me now. Better yet, do something nice for that person you know whom others take for granted, whom no one is nice to, whom others ignore. Do something for someone who needs it. I certainly don't. I have my Sustainer.
I will stop, now, before I get into a full-scale rant on any number of topics...

Today's entry will start with a few links, to be followed by a few words on my current situation, topped by many words about my thoughts and emotions, and for desert, a lovely poem with little sprinkles of nuts on top. My name is Skreyola, and I'll be your host today. Would you like an appetizer, or go directly to the main course?

( Appetizer )

Main Course:

Links:
What You Do with What You've Got
A good song with a good point.

Your personal fan club
Track who adds and removes you from their friend lists.

You can find more information about syndicated feeds in the LJ FAQ, and you can add some of the most popular feeds here.
These are some syndicated new services you can get on your friends page. They look something like this when you have some on a friends page.
ny_times_int topusnews ap_world
I'm interested in more people adding these news services because the more people who view a feed, the less it "costs" each user, and I'd like to add at least one of these to my friends list.
I just wish they had a feed from FOX News.

Words:

I've been thinking about my situation a lot lately. Although I've been very busy, I'ved somehow managed to find time (probably while doing all those other things) to do way too much thinking. I feel sad, frequently, because I'm unable to be much help to my friends. There are things happening and people in need of help, and I can do nothing to help them or take part in all those things. I feel helpless. More than that, I feel somewhat isolated. I've learned, since coming here, of the loss of more than one friend. I've lost contact with some people. I feel my connection with a few people drifting. And I don't want to lose any more friends. I don't have that many to lose. I feel hurt when my friends say good-bye to me. I believe I'd rather wonder than know that a friend is gone. Wondering hurts less.
I wish I had more friends. I wish I knew more friendly people. I wish I had more people I could talk to. It's lonely out here in a big world full of people I don't know. We've probably all heard the expression, 'alone in a crowd.' I am. I don't think my situation is very bad, but I don't want to lose any more friends. In my life, I've lost many friends. I don't know anyone now (other than family) that I knew ten years ago. Not one friend has been my friend that long. Mind you, some of my friends now are very good friends. I have a friend who has stuck by me through all kinds of crud that happened to me, even when all my other friends evaporated. I also have one or two friends now who are the type of friend I expect to be that true, to stick with me, to not give up on me. Those are the ones I thank God I have. I am confident that because of these friends, I won't be able to say in seven or eight years that I don't know anyone I knew ten years ago. But I know, because friends in my life come and go, that I will know of people who came into my life but didn't stay. And I know that will hurt.
But I'll keep on, as I have always done. My life has its share of pain, but I know I don't have it that bad. God has blessed me beyond what I deserve. Many others have it worse than I. It helps to keep things in perspective. I haven't had a very hard life. No matter who you are, you can probably find someone who has a harder life than you do. There's only one person who can say that their life is harder than anyone else's, because that's how superlativity works. And I can tell you, from things I've seen in my life, that that person isn't anyone I know. We all have life pretty good. My petty problems are nothing compared to what some people go through joyfully. God is able to take our petty life problems, no matter how big they seem to us, and put His hand of wonder over them and turn them into something that will edify us, glorify Him, and draw others into the Kingdom. All we have to do is trust Him and let Him be God; recognize that He is powerful enough to do what He purposes to do, and remember that He is God, and we are not God, and God's plan is better than what we can imagine, so we should follow His plan instead of trying to force our own.
I didn't intend for this entry to be this heavy, but there it is.
Finally, here's a poem I wrote. It's actually going to end up as part of a song. I haven't written much of the song, yet, but here is the poem.

Poem:

Even if our parting
Seems to be quite nigh,
do me this one kindness:
Please don't say good-bye.

See the cashier for your bill.

I've been thinking about something. I had a tune in my head, and I finally think I've remembered the origin of it: the movie, To Kill a Mockingbird.
When I was in high school, our drama class took part in staging the play. A girl I knew (slightly) played the old lady who lives near Scout. I don't remember the old lady's name (I want to say it was Hepzibah), but I remember the girl's: It's Brandy. I don't remember her last name, but if I saw it, I think I'd recognize it. She had strawberry blonde, wavy hair, and she was, in my opinion, very pretty. I wonder what happened to her. Where did she go? What did she do? I used to know where she lived. Over past the jail. I know of other landmarks closer, but I don't wish to mention them on the Internet. Does she still live there? I don't know. I thought about asking her out, but I had the impression she was going out with someone. I never had the courage to talk to her outside of Drama class. I had no trouble with that, but there, I wasn't in my own person, and she wasn't in hers, so it's not really the same, is it?
I wonder what happened to Brandy. I also wonder what happened to Arilyn.
I also wonder what happened to Lori Ann. I knew her the year before I came here. I tried to contact her when I found I was coming to Poland, but I never did get to talk to her. I liked her, but I never did tell her that. No courage.
I also wonder, though I hadn't for a while before I started thinking about this, what ever happened to the girl (whose name I remember but won't mention) I was talking to right before I left home. She said she wanted to get to know me, but I haven't heard from her.

The point of all this melancholy meandering is this: I often wonder what ever happened to these girls and young women, but I didn't really have a relationship with more than one of them. And I begin to wonder whether I had any relationship with her, either. But what is striking to me is that while I wonder about these women, with whom I don't have a relationship, I rarely wonder what has happened to my past girlfriends.
I rarely ever think of Jenny. It's only because I'm talking about old GFs that I've thought of her now. I think it's been years since I even called to mind Misty's name. I don't wonder where Amanda is now. I have a pretty good idea, since I saw her more recently. I don't wonder where Jani is. My last GF and I are still friends, so I don't wonder about her.

There are a few others I might wonder about: Roberta and Selena, for example. I also wonder what happened to my friend, Leann. She just disappeared one day. It was two or three years ago, but I still remember. I enjoyed talking to her.

I am reminded of the movie Citizen Kane... In one scene, the old man talks about how he saw a woman once on the ferry. He never knew her name, and they didn't speak, but he said he thinks about her almost every day.
I think about these people I barely knew, but I don't think much about old girlfriends who dumped me. I wonder what you, my friends, think. Is this good or bad, and does it mean anything, and if so, what?